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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

You’ll Never Guess Who’s Mad About The Old Lust N’ Thrust Again

We all know nothing pisses off God more than a good ol’ in n’ out sesh. He’s worried about your junk. He’s worried about where you stick it, how you touch it and how many layers cover it up. He’s concerned about what gender you stick it in, which hole and whether or not you’re married to said hole. God is so obsessively worried about your twig and berries, that he won’t even let you live with someone you love until you’re married. The temptation to dip your wick every night of the week is just far too great.

Jingle my bells

As the most ultimate buzzkill of all buzzkills, God ain’t havin’ it.

Luckily, I found Kathy Schiffer to explain why.

to look around at contemporary society, it does seem that living together without benefit of marriage is just another option for a young couple in love

Yeah. The best option. Sticking your banana in the fruit stand whenever you want, with no walk of shame? Yes, please.

Anyway, it seems that all of society says that it’s no big deal

Well, it is a big deal. Just not in the way you think. Moving in with your significant other is a huge commitment and not as easy as it sounds. Suddenly you realize that perfect, beautiful human has faults and habits. Now you’re subject to their farts and morning breath and illnesses and bad moods. Moving in with each other is a big deal, but it’s got nothing to do with God.

today a woman can talk openly about living with her boyfriend, and no one will question her character

That’s right because wanting to be closer to the person you love is a great character trait. Sharing your life with someone may piss off your angry God, but for those of us with a little reason, we know it’s a wonderful thing, especially when you’re in love and there is mutual respect. I also would like to add that she could be moving in with her girlfriend. Or both!

One big reason for the change is contraception: If there’s little chance of an “unplanned pregnancy,” then why not have fun snuggling up together, even if you’re not totally committed to your partner?

Kathy, doll, you don’t get pregnant from “snuggling up.” Getting knocked up requires a little bonestorming at least. You know, going heels to Jesus. Your man can’t put a bun in the oven without getting some stank on the hangdown.

The recent Synod of Bishops on the Family acknowledged that cohabitation is a growing problem

Ah, yes, more reason for me to loathe your religion: Good people sharing their lives together, helping pay rent together, taking care of the chores together and generally supporting, loving and making each other feel good is a… problem.

sexual expression is within a marriage between a man and a woman.

Yeah, I’ve had a few hot nights of amorous congress that beg to differ.

living together doesn’t prevent divorce

Of course not. What prevents divorce is not being a douchebag. Compromise, give-and-take, mutual respect. Sometimes marriages and relationships need to break up because one partner or both is not willing to give what the relationship requires. Sometimes a partner is violent, angry or emotionally abusive. Divorce itself is not always a bad thing.

Living chastely during your remaining months of engagement will teach you many things about one another.

Yeah, except whether or not you’re sexually compatible. Nothing beats finding out on your wedding night that your brand new husband has no chill and rides you like a DeWalt jackhammer. You’ll spend your life hiding in the bathroom after Hubs got it in, stickin’ popsicles up your hooha to ease the chafe. Why? Because it’s it’s God’s fucking plan. Amirite?

I say live with each other if you want to. If god is upset that you didn’t put a ring on it before you’re jamming the clam with the person you love on a regular basis, then is he really worthy of worship in the first place?

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