top of page
  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

Holy F*cking Comments: Candy & Boobs!

I haven’t done a comment round-up in a long time, y’assholes, and I always enjoyed it. So, I thought I’d deliver to you some of the best, most guffaw-worthy abominations of the English language I’ve had posted to my content lately, so you and I can crack a beer, pop some corn and watch the crazy parade together. You with me?

I had a comment on this post, in response to this little snippet of the article:

We can’t do what we want without consequence. Of course, you could walk across the street and murder your neighbour, right now, if you so chose. However, the consequences of such an action makes it unappealing. First, you’d probably get caught eventually, and have to spend a good long time in prison. Second, your conscience would consume you, if you’re at all a decent person. You might be consumed with guilt over your neighbour’s family’s grief, you might feel disgusted with yourself,and you might feel the sudden disgust everyone has for you. From that point forward, your life is infinitely more terrible than it ever was before, providing your conscience is at all functioning.

Candy Smith, in response, asked,

Why? But there is no right and wrong, remember!?? Police only have their opinions!! There is no Ultimate Standard! Therefore, raping someone isnt wrong!? If we are here by chance, why dont we just live how we want and get what we want!?? Why not??

Oh, sweet, sweet, Candy, no. You’ve made it abundantly clear that your reading comprehension level is close to that of a regurgitated corn dog, being as all of your points were addressed in the passage you quoted and responded to. As such, I realize that responding to your comment is more futile than expecting Alex Jones to vaccinate his kids, but I’m going to, nonetheless. Maybe, just maybe, this time it will sink in. I’ll keep it simple for ya.

My position is not that right and wrong don’t exist. There is right and wrong, and the police do have more than just their opinions. Now, I don’t know about where you live, Candy, but up here in Canada, we have what we like to call, “The Law”. Essentially, it’s a set of rules our society chooses to live by that is based on the general idea that we should reduce and avoid harm whenever possible. The police, up here in the Great White Tundra, use “The Law” as their guideline for enforcing right and wrong. Also, as decent people, each of us with a conscience, most of us try to avoid causing harm unless it’s to avoid even more harm in the future, ie. getting a pinprick to be vaccinated against terrible diseases. We don’t want to hurt people, because we know what it feels like to be hurt. We have empathy and compassion. The “Ultimate Standard”, there, sweet knuckles, is to reduce and avoid harm. If, what you are saying, is that believers are itching to get out there and kill and rape and the only thing stopping you all is your belief in God, well, you might seek some help. I mean, you sound like a scary bunch of people and I have to say, I sure am glad I live up here in sunny Canada because it sounds downright dangerous where you live.

You see, Candy, I am still good without a god. You, on the other hand, sound like you’d be homicidal without one. You tell me, hun, which is better?

A while back, I wrote this post about the film Sausage Party. Lorin commented:

It inadvertently admits the real motivation for atheism is a desire for unrestricted sexual debauchery.

Dammit, Lorin, you found us out. You should have seen the orgies I held when I was three and four. It really sucked to have to refrain from my constant debauchery during the school day for my entire elementary school career, let me tell you. It was so much easier to rape everyone when I was a baby! I had all day and the popo don’t put 8-month-olds in prison! At least, they don’t up here in debaucherous, godless Canucktonville!

I’m just very thankful to have people like Lorin to remind me why I am an atheist and always have been, not to mention my suicide counsellor father before me and his POW camp ambulance driver father before him. Their day jobs, of course, just there to throw everyone off their debaucherous scent.

Please, Lorin, keep reading my blog and offering your invaluable insight. We’re not laughing at you. I promise.

Over on Instagram,  @d_a_v_i_dro posted a comment on this post:

Sinners always goes against God they will be mockers last days,sinners will be lovers themselves more than God lovers of pleasure and path of death the leads of destruction that why sinners hate the gospel because they love there sin when you confront them,but is clear hear the truth,and the truth will make you free from the world of sin

Davey boy… there is but one lonely comma in your murder scene of a comment. One melancholy comma looking around for his friends, period and apostrophe. If you look closely, Dave, you will see tears trickle down this solitary comma’s bulbous head as he laments the absence of his speech enhancing family. He, alone, has taken on the heavy burden that is this run-on, knowing full well that no one will understand it; no one can grasp its full meaning. He faces, with bravery, the steady stream of “What the fuck?”s and “Say what?”s. Holding his chin high, comma seems to be saying, “I have a job and I take it seriously. I will sit here, slapped right in the middle of verbal surrealism, and do comma things. Come gibberish or nonsensical run-ons, by god, I will still do my job!”.

But, you know Dave, I think I may have been able to wipe some of your linguistic crud away to find what you meant to say. I assume, after careful excavation, that what you meant to say is that we are only atheists because we want to sin.

Dave, you’re totes right. Like Lorin, you’ve uncovered the secret of atheism and now you know why all I have ever wanted, from just hours after birth, was to sin.

Sin, baby, sin!

Me, forty years ago.

On this post, @daxvdw commented:

He [God] loves you no matter what, like you would (most likely) love your son no matter if he disagreed with you or not. The sins we have committed don’t affect gods love for us, he doesn’t love christians more or atheists less. His love is everlasting no matter what.

Either he loves us no matter what, or there is Hell. Both cannot be true at the same time. You decide, Dax.

When I posted this, @curvesbydesign said,

Young people naturally have a tendency to believe in God. This is well known and accepted science.

Oh, well then, Doctor McBigTits, let me change my entire worldview. No citations required because you said science. Golly, I sure am glad to have you and your tits here to ‘splain me, especially since I was a child raised without mention of a god, and my tendency was to not believe in one. Now, thanks to you, I know I am the exception; the oddball; the anomaly. Normal people raised without mention of religion or god, tend to believe in gods anyway, am I understanding this correctly? Except for me. Well, and my Dad. Oh, also my brother. My son. Oh, and my husband. Plus his sister. His Dad, too! Oh, also my grandfather. My paternal grandma, too. Yeah, so aside from literally every fucking person in my family, it’s absolutely science that people tend to believe when raised without gods or religion.

“Hi. I have big boobs for a living. That makes me know science super plus good.”

Finally, Matt Black on Google+ said:

Conscience is god given.

Matt, there is a hole where a hyphen should be and I’m very uncomfortable with it. I will try my best to push that out of my mind and address what you’ve said.

Sherwin Williams, this morning, announced their brand new paint shade, Presidential Orange!

You see? I can make claims, too, Matt. You probably don’t believe my claim, though, do you? You probably won’t either, unless and until I provide you with a link to a press release or announcement regarding the new POTUS-inspired paint shade, am I right? So, you, Matt, already understand why I can’t accept your claim as the truth. Simply rectified though, Mattiffer. All it takes is evidence. You can send it to:

I’d love to hear some of the weirdest things theists have said to you lately. Let me know in the comments!

If you like what I do here and want to support my work, you can chip in here or become a member here.


Recent Posts

See All



Related Products

bottom of page