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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

The Heathen Wishlist: What To Get Your Hellbound Buddies For Christmas in 2015

Did you know that some atheists celebrate Christmas? Yeah! We totally do! I rambled like an idiot in a video about it one time:

We are appropriating your holidays and turning them evil! Just watch! In a few years, the traditional Christmas feast will be braised baby!

As a believer, you’re gonna wanna know what to get your hellbound friends, though. I mean, the alternative, is that they put an eternal hex on you and yours.

So, what to get them? Well, I’ve compiled a nice list for you, so you don’t have to go searching through pages and pages of Satan’s work, just to find something that will please the evil ones in your life.

Here you go, friend:

1. Fighting God – An Atheist Manifesto for a Religious World: The new book by Mr. Atheist Pants himself, has come out just in time to give it to the unbelievers in your life for Christmas. David Silverman, the president of American Atheists, has written this book to illustrate the effects of being an outspoken, loud atheist. I have not read it yet, but I am very excited to do so. I’d hail satan if this was under my tree.

2. Literally anything from my shop. Of course. My clothing designs are fun, godless and giggle-worthy. There are many to choose from, from t-shirts to mugs and totes and stickers. Here is on of my favourite t-shirts :

3. Raif Badawi’s 1000 Lashes: Because I Say What I Think – Raif Badawi was sentenced to ten years in prison and 1000 lashes for blogging about being an atheist. The official charge was insulting Islam. This book contains the writing that got him in trouble. Purchasing this book for your godless loved one shows you care about the issues that affect us heathens, and it also helps to support Raif’s family.

4. Atheist Shoes – Yes, there is a such a thing as atheist shoes. They’re gorgeous handmade shoes that come in all shapes and colours, but the kicker (pardon the pun) is that the soles say Ich Bin Atheist (I am atheist):

Atheist Shoes

You can almost picture Horatio, leaning over a pair of footprints in the mud that clearly say ich bin atheist, and when another cop asks him where the footprints lead, Horatio stands, pulls off his sunnies as says, “I dunno, but it definitely ain’t Heaven….” Yeaaaaaahhhhhhh!

5. Islam and the Future of Tolerance by Sam Harris and Maajid Nawaz. This book is a dialogue between outspoken atheist Sam Harris and Maajid Nawaz, a progressive Muslim. They discuss whether or not Islam is really a religion of peace and what role it may play in recent terror attacks. It’s an important book for our time, and most atheists would be pleased to see it under their tree.

6. Ultimate Curse T-shirt. This shirt is special because the proceeds go to the Nigerian atheist activist Imoh David, who is living in fear for his life. Nigeria is split between the Islamic North and the Christian South and all our atheist and humanist friends there find themselves caught in the middle. The money will help Imoh David reach a place of safety, while your friend gets a great looking T:

Ultimate curse

7. DNA Test from – Many atheists are in awe of science and would love to have science show them where they came from. With this test, your friend or family member can find out what percentage they are of different ethnicities. The test also comes with a search for matches, so the receiver can find long lost family members who may be out there. This gift will surely make your loved one smile, the only trick is trying to get a DNA sample from them without them knowing what it’s for!

8. Audible Membership – Many atheists love books, but are too busy to read very many. Give them the gift of audiobooks so they can listen to the books they want to read while they commute or workout or 

9. A handpainted atheist painting by yours truly! Yes, I paint! Grab one of Dawkins or Harris, Dennett, Hitch, Tyson or more! If you don’t see face you want in this list, just email me at and ask me if I can paint the person you want.

Hand painted Richard Dawkins

Hand painted Richard Dawkins

10. A Membership to any one of these organizations:

11. Heretic: Why Islam Needs A Reformation Now by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. One of my personal heroes, Ayaan has powered through a difficult life. She grew up in a strict Islamic household and suffered as a female in that culture. She managed to get out and flee to the Netherlands where she worked hard to better herself and eventually pursue a career in politics. She has watched friends die in front of her at the hands of islamic extremists and she knows firsthand the relationship islamic doctrine has to contemporary religious violence we often see on the news. She is outspoken and brave, brilliant and articulate. She is a voice that any atheist will want to familiarize themselves with, and what better way than to find her book under their Christmas tree?

12. Membership to your local museum. Most museums offer a membership package that come with many perks. Not only will this gift give your atheist friend experiences rather than things, it also goes to support the museum.

What do you want for Christmas? Let me know in the comments!

If you like what I do here and want to support my work, you can chip in here or become a member here.


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