Space Cadet Senator Fighting Porn Remotely From Planet Kolob

The salty state is not exactly known for its level-headed reason and skepticism, so when this story about one man’s quest to scrub the internet of porn crystallized in Utah, I was hardly surprised. The most sexually deviant state is looking to cleanse itself – not from the image of conman worshippers or incestuous polygamists or pedophiles. No, they want to cleanse their kingdom of porn.

In a move that almost feels guilt-driven, Utah Senator Todd Weiler has proposed that all cell phones (he calls them “porn vending machines”) come with anti-porn filters already installed. Why? Because kids can access porn if they want to.

If they want to. Want to.

Let me tell you something Senator Suckass, porn has been readily available to kids since long before the mobile phone came along. When I was a kid, it was the pile of magazines you found at your uncle’s house or the tape left in the VCR in your best friend’s basement. You could stand in the corner store and peep teet up on that top rack of magazines and if your friends were curious enough, you could cause a commotion while your buddy grabbed a Hustler off the top shelf. I don’t know anyone who didn’t see their first porn in childhood and yet, somehow, our generation manages to keep this world moving forward.

Most of these first encounters were by accident, too. What sort of kids are you raising out there in the Great Salt Lake? Out here, where we don’t strive to end up on Planet Kolob, our kids want to play games on the internet, not watch Johnny Long Pole blow his load all over Becky Backdoor’s face. I figure I maybe have a couple of years left of this being the case before I start to find Pornhub in the history of my son’s browser and we’re suddenly running out of kleenex much faster than we ever have before, but right now, as a child, he has no interest. Yes, he could easily click away from Sum Dog or Code.org or Kizi and find himself a nice round set of fun bags to stare at… but he’s got no interest.

If what you’re saying, Mr. Senator, is that at every opportunity, your children hop on your phone to access porn, well, perhaps a mental health examination is in order, because kids (not teens or preteens) don’t generally seek out porn while on the internet.

In fact, Senator Slap n’ Tickle, studies suggest the average age of kids seeking out porn on the internet is age 14 and that for most kids, their first introductions to pornography are via the sticky, but tried-and-true magazine stack under dad’s bed method.

In places where porn blocking has been attempted, it always seems to cause more trouble than it solves, with people who desperately need it losing access to helplines and other sex-related services that are actually beneficial to society. An LGBT group focused on the sexual health of its community found itself blocked to regular users in the UK as well as, according to Forbes, a Porsche dealership.

In China, efforts to block porn sites were all but futile wastes of money, as those who wanted porn, got around the block. It was almost like a hundred million dollar campaign to promote torrenting.

So let’s recap:

1. It will not stop young children from accessing porn, because they generally don’t try to begin with. Check.

2. It will cost the State of Utah a lot of money. Check.

3. States and countries that have tried this before have found it backfires and blocks helpful content. Check.

4. States and countries that have tried this before have found people will access porn anyway. Check.

I see all cons here, Senator. No pros and all cons, just like the founders of your church.

While it comes as no shock that a man who follows the teachings of a convicted con artist doesn’t want to see the writing on the wall, it does seem like porn blocking is just another way to burn money while feeling righteous and holier than though. In my experience, people who need to feel this way usually have a reason. They’re usually hiding something strange and off-putting, Mr. Weiler. They tend to focus, with laser accuracy, on the one vice they themselves have difficulty with. Your insistence on ridding your rugged state of the pleasures of adult film make me think you must have one helluva porn addiction, there, Todd. I’m thinking maybe the bi-racial gangbang bukkake folder on your hard drive is what’s fueling this campaign.

I’ll tell you what though, Senator Sore Palms, if it’s that important to you; if you really gotta get this done, you can wipe my drive if I can wipe yours.

Senator? You there?

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#parenting #porn #sex