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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

10 Comments I’m Sick of Getting As An Outspoken Atheist Woman

My swim was cancelled this morning, kiddos, so mama’s in a mood. What better time to air my list of grievances as an outspoken atheist woman, right? It’s been seven years of this and the trolls are still going strong, poking and prodding to see if maybe today is the day I’ll snap. With skin as thiccc as Trump’s wagon, though, that day ain’t coming. I’m sorry to crush your dreams, folks, but when you say shit like the comments below, I only see it as a reflection of you, not me. But let’s go over some of these tired comments, anyway, because I’ve been robbed of my daily jaunt to the pool where I normally swim it off, instead.

Here are ten of your ridiculous comments I'm sick of reading:

Carl Sagan believed in god.

Like clockwork, any time I post a meme, shirt or quote with any relation to Carl Sagan, some dimpletit pipes up with this insipid bullshit. My initial take is that the commenter has to be religious. Why, you ask? It's simple. It is an almost exclusively religious take to assert that just because someone doesn’t share the same worldview as us, we shouldn’t recognize his incredible contribution to the world. This comment can only come from an apologist projecting believers’ own othering practices on atheists. Here’s the thing, though, we don’t have a pile of lies to protect from prying minds. We don’t have to live in an echo chamber to protect our delicate worldview. I am a huge fan of Carl Sagan because he made science exciting and fun for generations upon generations of children, inspiring them to learn more, go further and expand human knowledge. One of those people is Neil deGrasse Tyson who has carried on the Sagan legacy like a goddamned superhero. If Sagan never existed, guaranteed we’d have fewer scientists today. The man fundamentally changed science learning and made so many people understand how exhilarating it is to explore our universe. Sure, he may have believed in god. But what does that have to do with why atheists respect him? Religious people may be unable to respect someone who has a different set of beliefs, but we are not religious. We’re atheists. We have no reason to “other” the greatest educator to ever live. So HAIL SAGAN!

You’re so edgy!

And you, sir, are a limp noodle, but I digress. There is no part of me, no singular molecule in or near my body that does any of this to appear edgy. It happens some time in your thirties, often when you’re elbow-deep in a diaper blowout clean-up. You’re sucking up orange ass gravy with a wet vac, avoiding the odd corn niblet, while your toddler is crying and you realize you got shit on your brand new white skirt that wasn’t even on fucking sale. Right about then, your ambition for edginess dies. You can almost hear it fizzle out. You know that no matter what you do, now that you’ve been sprayed with diarrhea in the backseat of your brand new Dodge sedan, there will be no more edges for you. You go to bed early after begging a human to eat their broccoli and scraping dog vomit up off your welcome mat. You water down your vodka sodas and you try not to watch Game of Thrones on a weeknight so you can get enough sleep for work the next day. You’ve cut out red meat, listen to punk rock at a sensible volume and limit yourself to 3 drinks per week. You have to plan your menu around getting enough fibre. FIBRE. Oh, honey, edginess is the last thing on my mind.

For someone who doesn’t believe in god you sure talk about him a lot.

I’m not 100% sure, but I think this comment is implying I must believe in a god if I want to talk about him a lot. So, here’s a fun little thought experiment. Replace the word, ‘god’ in this sentence with other beings you don’t believe in.

For someone who doesn’t believe in Superman, you sure talk about him a lot.

For someone who doesn’t believe in Captain Picard, you sure talk about him a lot.

For someone who doesn’t believe in unicorns, you sure talk about them a lot.

There is no rule, no cultural norm, no social expectation to limit what we speak of solely to that in which we believe. To assert otherwise is, well, it’s fucking bizarre, to be honest. What other weird rules do you live by? No red undies lest they invite the devil into your asshole?

Jesus loves you

That’s fantastic and wonderful, but just like if my friend told me that our mutual loved me, I’d prefer to hear it from them. In fact, it has no bearing on my life whatsoever unless and until he, himself can show me that love. Ergo, mommy feels Jesus’ love, which is indecipherable from a total lack of Jesus’ love, is kinda useless. That and a toonie will get me a Double-Double, eh.

You can’t get a full grasp of Islam unless you speak Arabic.

Great, then why do you care if I don’t believe it? By your logic, I can’t really accept the teachings of the Quran anyway, unless what you’re proposing is that I learn to speak Arabic, first, and then explore the Quran. I am not totally against this, but I’m gonna be honest, there are a few languages ahead of Arabic I’d like to learn first, and my schedule isn’t really overflowing with time to do so. So, for now, and the foreseeable future, I cannot speak Arabic, so I have no ability to understand Islam according to you. So why would you expect me to?

What do you care if [something bad happens], under atheism anything is permissible!

With or without religion, there are a great many things that stand in the way of doing shitty stuff. First, there’s our conscience. I mean, when it’s functioning of course. Being as mine is functioning, I find myself unable to commit certain acts because my conscience is all, “You’ll regret this, fuckass.” Second, we have the law of the land. I can’t steal your TikTok leggings because you might call the ol’ popo and I’ll land myself in the clink. The tertiary thing that gets in the way of “anything” being permissible is my compassion. I’m not gonna kidnap your beloved puppy, no matter how much I love him too, because I don’t want to hurt you. Fourth is my empathy, which allows me to understand how awful it might feel if someone stole my puppy, and so I don’t do that to you. Finally, we have consequences. Consequences can come from our conscience (guilt, regret). Consequences can be legal (jail time, fines) and consequences can also be natural (if you never share your Twizzlers with me, I won’t share my Milk Duds with you). These are elementary lessons, easily grasped by toddlers. Now, you’ve come along with your comment on Instagram and made it very clear to the rest of us that none of these things are factors for you when it comes to your behaviour. No conscience, no compassion, no empathy. You’re not concerned with the legal or natural consequences of your actions. No, the only thing you’re concerned about is whether or not any of the crap you do is gonna make God mad. You behave to avoid his eternal wrath and so that you, one day, can enjoy eternal paradise. The only person you’re considering when choosing not to hurt someone else, is yourself. If there were no divine reward for your behaviour or no eternal punishment, you’d do anything to anyone.

And you think this is a superior basis for morality.


Burn in hell!

Honey, threatening an atheist with hell is like threatening to take off your clothes in a nudist colony. You’re missing the mark. I don’t know how you missed the fact that atheists don’t believe in Hell, but sugar tits, it’s your hell. You burn in it.

We get it, you’re pretty!

Like clockwork, on any selfie I post. Alright, let’s do this. What is it that you would like me to do:

  1. Never post selfies because you think I’m pretty.

  2. Post fewer selfies because you think I’m pretty.

  3. Change my appearance in such a way that you feel I am less pretty.

I hope this ridiculous multiple-choice exercise has illustrated that the problem is something inside of you if you feel somehow disturbed by seeing pretty people’s faces on the reg. Can I ask, because I am very curious, do you say that to people in person when you come across a pretty person IRL? I can’t change how I look, nor would I consider it to make your Instagram experience more comfortable. I think if you’re put off by seeing a pretty face, you might find out what’s going on inside of you that’s making you so insecure.

Why so fat, fatty?

I mean, multiple reasons. I work at a desk all day. I love ramen more than is probably socially acceptable. Like, I’m even wearing a ramen shirt right now, that I designed myself to show off my unhealthy love for ramen. Also, my body kinda changed after I had a kid. I’m in my forties and I can’t lose weight as easily as I used to be able to. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life but now I am content with how I look and even more content with my obsessive love of food.

Also, I kinda dig my tig ol' bitties.

Besides. I'm not fat. I'm padded for extra sexy cuddles.

Why so miserable, pencil dick? Oops, I think my question answered itself.

Start an OnlyFans!

Listen, I am aware that if I shook my ass for an OnlyFans account, I could probably take some of your money. But the thing is, no. I’m not here for your money. I’m not here to tickle your taint. I’m here to normalize atheism and promote critical scientific thought.

I tell you what, though, why don’t you start an OnlyFans? And try being less pretty. Also, ever heard. of a salad, saddlebags? WHY ARE THERE STILL MONKEYS?

Ok, so clearly it's time to wrap this up. Tell me, what comments are you sick of hearing?

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