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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

7 Of The Most Useless Things Believers Pray For

We’ve all seen a believer pray for something so vacuous, so inconsequential that we find ourselves stunned into silence. How can someone insist there is a God who would listen to that crap? The mere fact that the religious pray for this shit is proof that religion is nothing but an exercise in arrogance, narcissism and self-importance.

Here are 7 things I’ve heard believers pray for that make me wonder if they’re all just in on a massive plan to troll the world.

Game Of Thrones

Praying that your favourite character (who we can all agree is Tyrion) does not get killed off. Fucking news, bud: George R. R. Martin is god in that world, and he is a cold, sadistic deity and your prayers will always go unanswered. Get past it.

The Sequel

Praying for a sequel to be made of your favourite movie. There are far too many sequels being made. You’re essentially wishing for the destruction of an artistic landscape that could be invigorating, and inspiring and entertaining and hoping instead that we’ll get shown the same shit over and over again. And you think, for some reason, Jeez-slice is on board with this. He wants his minions to be like goldfish: you watch a movie, and one swim around the tank and the movie is brand new again. Stop ruining the film industry. Just stop it. Seriously.

Winning the Lottery

Playing the lottery is, in itself, an exercise in futility. Add prayer to that, and you’ve got something slightly crazier than Tom Cruise on a couch. You’re not going to fucking win, and Jesus certainly isn’t sitting around going, “hmmm, who should win this $75 million jackpot?” until he hears your prayer and then says to himself, “well, thank me for your prayer, I have the answer!” Fuck that. You’re an idiot. You should just give your money to a worthy cause and go hide under a bridge until the afterlife.

Dear Jeezy, grant me the strength to nom this shit.

Weight Loss

Let’s be real. Is there anything worse than a McJeebot? Simultaneously praying for the return of the fucking McRib while asking Jeezy to help them find the strength to get rid of their extra cheese? Listen, you go up for seconds during communion if you want to, honey, but what you need to do is stop lovin' Jeebs and learn to love yourself. Then, stop waiting for Jesus to help. If you wanna be healthy, you gotta do it yourself but you gotta love you either way.

Driving On Fumes

There is no way to describe someone who prays to make it to their destination on an empty gas tank. What’s worse, is when they pray for that shit while driving past gas stations. These people are a special kind of dim, an absolute box of rocks with nothing at all happening within the walls of their cranium. These people think with their appendix or their big toes.


This is the moment where Godless Mom comes out as the Cleveland Browns fan that she is. You have to hear me loud and clear, if anyone has the right to pray for their team, it is the fucking Dawg Pound. Our fandom is the very definition of suffering. Every Sunday is an exercise in grief, not entertainment. The Super Bowl is an unattainable Holy Grail that we gaze at, with envy and brown and orange tears streaming down our cheeks. Being a Cleveland fan is like being one of those Self-flagellating jeebots. It is pure, unadulterated pain and torture and heartbreak. If anyone understands the absolute futility in praying for your team to win, it is the Dawg Pound. God cannot be real, if he can’t shine a light, even just briefly, on the team with the most heart in the history of sports. 



I’m not ashamed to say I love Survivor. It’s like a chess game or Catan using real people as pieces. Every season, though, there is at least one Jesus stan, sitting on this remote island in the middle of nowhere, praying to find an idol, or win immunity, or that some miracle will take place to change the fact that their elimination later that night is imminent. In their interviews, they insist that God is on their side and that’s a recipe for a win. I never get used to this. That some idiot can assert that this loving God of theirs is ignoring the people dying in wars, people starving, people being raped and executed, animals being slaughtered and the homeless and instead, he’s hanging with the Probst out there handing out immunity idols like it’s the fucking eucharist? I mean, I’ll be honest with you, if I had the chance to hang out with Jeff Probst, I would (those dimples though) and there is something godlike about the scenes with him on a helicopter, but really, if there truly were a god, he is not fucking watching Survivor. Maybe the Walking Dead, but definitely not Survivor.

What do you hate to hear believers pray for?

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