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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

6 Activities Atheists Love But Theists Feel Guilty About

If there is one overwhelmingly common theme running through all the emails and stories I get from atheists, it’s the guilt theme. As a lifer atheist, I have zero understanding of the guilt that comes with religion, but it seems to me it’s more crippling than a shot of that crap your neighbour’s distilling in his bathtub. The world’s most popular gods seem only to be happy when we’re grovelling here in the dirt, feeling shame for just being who we are. One of the greatest perks of atheism is the freedom to just be human, and the freedom to enjoy the most fun parts of being human completely guilt-free.

Here are six of those things we enjoy, totally guilt-free, with no gods lording over us to feel shame for it:

1. Sleeping in on Sunday – no church means you can roll around in your jammies all morning if you want to. You can sleep until noon, wake up refreshed and have zero fear that your extended slumber will earn you eternal torture or divine judgment. If you’re a morning person, that’s a few good hours of productivity or lounging around you’ve earned yourself, just for coming over to the dark side. Are you really going to miss hearing about how your humanness is filthy and will earn you a divine spanking if you don’t stop enjoying life immediately? Is there a void where those stale Jesus wafers used to be? Nah. We’re good. Cuddles with the little ones, freshly brewed coffee, and a bacony breakfast are all far superior to sitting in those hard pews listening to how broken you are. We’ll be sure to wave as we stroll past on a leisurely walk with the K-9s.

2. Showing off the goods – If I’m gonna lug these things around with me, catching nothing but back pain and huge bra bills, you’d better believe I get to show them off. Cleavage is one of life’s greatest pleasure, both for the viewer and for the owner because we earned those puppies. Sure, we didn’t really have a choice regarding the size of our naturals, but those of us with rather large ones work hard for them, nonetheless. If god doesn’t want to see my tatas, god probs shouldn’t have fuckin’ given to me in the first place.

3. Flirting – Flirting is a biological function that signals to new people we meet that we’re not a threat to them. It’s totally natural, and it releases a flow of dopamine which creates a natural feeling of euphoria. We literally feel euphoric when we’re flirting. We tingle all over and find it hard not to grin as an electric charge runs up our spine. Often, we end up with a new friend out of the whole deal. I can’t imagine for a moment how awful feeling guilty for flirting must be. What a dark and dreary life religious people must lead…

4. Blasphemy – Nothing cures a stubbed toe quite so quickly as colourfully roasting the god of your choice. It’s medical science, you can’t deny it. Next time you stub your toe, try it! Yell, “For the love of Joseph spanking Mary mother of Christ!” or something to that effect. You’ll see… suddenly your toe no longer hurts. Tell me, what god would reward for blasphemy like that if he didn’t like it at least just a little bit?

5. Sex for pure enjoyment – All the devout bishops and pastors and rabbis of the world want you to think every moment of sexual pleasure is dirty, deplorable and worthy of eternal torture. The most natural of all human activities should be only for procreation, even though the very same god who is grossed out by a little slap and tickle, made it one of the most pleasurable things a mere mortal can experience. Once you shed your belief in such an odd and sadistic god, you’re free to dip your wick as much as you please without guilt or shame and with every euphoric orgasm, you’ll wonder why you ever believed in the first place!

6. Masturbation – Since I’ve never believed in god, I’ve never once entertained the idea that some omnipotent, omniscient god is watching down on me while I tickle my own taco, but I can only imagine the feeling doesn’t really help a good bean flick along. Guilt and shame aren’t necessarily turn-ons, so if you already enjoy clicking your mouse on a regular basis, even with god watching and all the guilt he’s raining down on you, perhaps try atheism! It puts a hundred percent more “Ohhh!” in the Big Solo O.

Now, I know that the devout will read this list and see nothing but sin. “Atheists just want to sin!” They’ll cry in the comments. It seems to me though, that the very things we love the most and that make us human are what god has decided are not just sins, but sins punishable with an eternity in a lake of fire. I don’t know that as a rational person, I could ever be convinced that an omnipotent, omniscient, perfect god would create creatures that have all the very flaws he loathes the most. To be honest, I have to think about how clear-minded anyone who believes this can really be.

“My god is perfect!”

“But sin…”

“Well he fucked us up but he’s perfect!”

I dunno. I don’t buy it. I really don’t think you should either. Instead, sport some cleavage, go flirt with your neighbour, and take god’s name in vain while you climax all by your lonesome. Be human, and be okay with it. You don’t know that you have forever, so don’t waste now wallowing in self-loathing, shame and guilt. Love yourself, and fuck anyone who doesn't. Even god.

What else do atheists enjoy that the religious feel guilt for? Let me know in the comments!

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