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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

20 Things I Would Tell God To Do If I Was His PR Advisor

God's new image

Let’s face it, God’s not doing so well here on earth. Belief in him is declining worldwide, church attendance is dwindling and more and more people are dissociating themselves with the outdated institution of religion. The fact that God wrote himself as a jealous, angry, insecure lead character in the story of his creation doesn’t help. It’s kind of like if there’d been a Douchebag Baggins who raided hobbit holes before he set them ablaze, and we’re supposed to believe it’s a true story. The more access people have to information, the less they tend to believe the ridiculous stories this god wants you to buy. Most would sooner believe in orcs and Gandalf and Mordor.

If there was one thing that had a shot at saving God’s grip on our world, it’s better PR, ’cause right now, his public relations are less effective than a homeopathic remedy for genital herpes. He needs someone who thinks outside of the dogma, away from the doctrine and brings theism into the twenty-first century. What god needs for his public relations is Godless Mom.

As God’s PR advisor, here are the first twenty things I would tell him to do:

1. Get the fuck down here and join us for a visit.

Come down in some jeans and a Beatles t-shirt and have a few cold ones with us, you uptight little bitch. Let’s just hang, maybe play some pool, let the press film you being a regular fucking bro and maybe answer a few of their questions with lame dad jokes.

Nervous journalist: “What took you so long to come back and see us?”

G-dawg: “Ehh, you know the drill, the wife was doing her makeup”

2. Dude, you gotta endorse sex.

Just because you’re a giant frustrated prude, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to suffer. Let everyone know that sex is okay, alone or with others, the dirtier the better, so long as all parties involved consent. Free ticket to Heaven if you get it in every hole!

3. Get out there and tell your church leaders that you love the LGBT community.

That's right! Just the way they are. Say that they are beautiful, totally natural creations of yours and anyone who has a problem with it will be banished for life to Ken Ham’s ark if it ever gets finished.

4. New rule! Those who refuse to marry any two consenting adults shall no longer be allowed to marry anyone on behalf of you, big guy!

5. Don’t let your church leaders canonize assholes!

Do you have any idea what it says about you when your church decides to honour shitty people like Teresa? Canonize people who do real good. Say no to St. Teresa!

6. Admit your list of commandments was pretty shitty.

Rewrite them to include, thou shalt not rape; thou shalt not own slaves; thou shalt not allow a child to starve. Get rid of the jealous, narcissistic crap. That’s a good start, at least.

7. Insist that every priest who has raped a child be fired, turned in to authorities along with any and all evidence to convict them.

Then, demand that each offending priest pay each of their victims $666/week until the day they die.

8. Refuse to allow any clergy to represent you who attempted to cover up the abuse of children behind church doors, whether they touched a child or not.

Fire them and send them to live with Kirk Cameron, a sentence that will continue in the afterlife.

9. Admit the true age of the Universe.

None of us wants to get old, G-bones, but there is a classy way to age and a not so classy way to age, and shaving billions of years off your true age ain’t classy. It ain’t classy at all. We see through your celestial botox, big fella. You made us smart, time to treat us like it.

10. Make friends with all the other gods.

Jealousy is not a good look on you, daddy pants, so make a baked ziti and take it over to Vishnu’s and kiss and make up. Be sure to tell the world, you’re fine with people worshipping any god, even if it’s not you, and so long as they are good and decent people, you’ll let them through those pearly gates. Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy.

11. How about sushi for communion instead of those dry, cardboard crackers?

The wine’s fine. Maybe just bigger glasses and offer a chilled white option as well.

12. Declare all language as beautiful, including profanity and using your name in vain.

C’mon, Big Poppa, surely the almighty creator of the universe can handle a joke or two at his expense?

13. You should kick Joel Osteen out of his mansion and turn it into a homeless shelter.

Further, tell all of your representatives on Earth that they should reside in modest homes worth no more than a quarter of a million dollars and if they have empty rooms, they should foster kids or animals or give the space to the homeless. If they don’t, you’ll send them to Saudi Arabia as an ex-Muslim woman.

14. Command that no church property be worth more than a million bucks, nor should any church service be televised.

If a church finds itself with money in excess of its budget, it is to be given to projects that feed, clothe, house, educate, employ or treat medically people who live under the poverty line.

15. You gotta tell your followers that no religious services should ever be for sale: no healing, no prayers, no nothing.

Express very clearly, that churches and religious leaders should not profit from faith. Tell your believers that corrupting your name for financial gain will ensure you resurrect them as gnats in Donald Trump’s coin slot.

16. Remind all the old, stiff politicians that marijuana is your creation and you made it the way it is for a reason.

If they choose to outlaw it, they are directly undermining you and your work and you’ll make sure that when they arrive in the underworld, there will be a special room for them for all eternity full of very stoned teenaged boys calling each other “brah”, eating microwave burritos and listening to Because I Got High by Afro Man on repeat.

Because I got high

17. G-bones, you need to endorse the good work of doctors and other medical professionals.

Please, inform your followers that prayer will never replace real medical attention and that the best thing to do when anyone is sick, is to get them to a real medical doctor. I’d insist on this, Daddio, and warn that anyone who refuses medical services in favour of prayer on behalf of a minor, will not just go to hell, but spend eternity as the lone thought in Ann Coulter’s empty head.

18. At some point, you gotta get your followers educated, Lordballs.

What I suggest you do is get out there and tell everyone that education is mandatory, everywhere, for every single person on earth. This education needs to include evolution. If low funds are an issue, it’s not a problem because churches that have a financial surplus will redistribute that to pay for it, and if they don’t, you’ll smite that church with a big ol’ lightning bolt right, smack in the steeple.


20. The big one, the granddaddy of them all, big fella: You gotta apologize for all the shit you did when you were younger.

Genocide, murder, sacrifice… it’s all pretty awful and it’s traumatizing for those of us with a mind to read about it. You need to admit your wrongdoings and promise to the good people of the world that your angst-ridden, jealous, rebellious days are over. No more hurting people for you, big guy. You’re gonna put down your smite-stick, smoke a bowl of your god-given Mary Jane, and chill, the fuck, out. You’re going to be that relaxed, hippie dad, draped over his throne spinning Bob Marley tracks and blurting out “Heart of the Caribbean!” every so often. Approachable, lovable, sweet, kind and gentle. This is your new image, G-banger, so get on it.

If God actually took my advice, I’m pretty sure a large number of people would give him a second chance. Churches would fill up again, and God’s little buddies down here on earth would multiply. Atheism might actually start declining again, and we’d be back in the height of religious glory, worldwide.

I guess it just makes me wonder, then, why hasn’t God done any of this?

Wait, no. I remember. It’s because he’s not real. Right. My bad.

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