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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

What Would You Do If Christianity Were Proven True?

Fuck god

I was asked the other day what I would do if Christianity were suddenly proven true and there was no denying Jesus is the son of God any longer. While I clawed my way through the rest of the email, dotted with familiar phrases like “typical atheist” and “denying the evidence all around you” and accusations of being under the control of Beelzebub himself, I had a bit of a giggle fit. I mean really, what would that mean if Christianity were true?

If Christianity were true, and the Bible was factual, we’d all be the products of an incestuous line of ancestors. We’d make deliverance look like a heartwarming coming of age story, really. Romance novels would have taglines like “No one could tame the heat of Grandma’s desire. No one but Uncle Jim.” Thanksgiving would be considered a group date. Baptism would be a touch more difficult what with everyone growing arms out of their foreheads.

We would have to reassess the meanings of words like “omniscient”, “omnipotent” and “benevolent” because they clearly do not mean what we thought they meant. Heck, we would have to reassess everything we thought we knew, what with a trickster god running around burying dinosaur bones and trying to draw us all into butt sex and Harry Potter.

We’d also know, beyond any doubt, that free will isn’t a thing at all, since we really don’t have much of a choice between worshipping or eternal torture. That’s like going to a buffet stocked with endless bowls of lamb dander and one bowl of overcooked, underseasoned corn niblets and saying, “Look at all the choices!”

We’d suddenly be living in a world where resurrection is possible, where three days is considered a “sacrifice” and where all our sins have been forgiven, except that they haven’t so repent you filthy meat sacks!

All that aside, though, if Christianity were proven true and no one could deny its factuality, would I worship god? Would I grovel at his feet and beg his forgiveness for this blog, all the pre-marital blow jobs and my inability to stop blaspheming? Would I stop writing and tweeting as Godless Mom and drag my kids to church? Would I suddenly shun my LGBTQ friends, toss my “me time” toys or get baptized?

Nah. I wouldn’t do any of that shit. Mostly because I am a decent human being.

I wouldn’t – no – couldn’t worship a god who wants us to believe he’s merciful but who also demands we love him and if we don’t he’ll throw us in the fire, forever.

I couldn’t worship a god who chose to sacrifice the life of his son to create some cosmic loophole through which our loathsome little sinning selves could be forgiven. Especially when given he’s omnipotent, he could have just forgiven us without all the pageantry.

I couldn’t worship a god who swears he is perfect, but somehow it’s our fault that he fucked us up and made us flawed.

Jesus dog butt

I definitely could not worship any sort of deity who, for a good 2000 years, only appeared on toast, grilled cheese sandwiches and the curly fur swirls around a dog’s asshole.

I couldn’t worship a god who, with his omnipotence, could do something about all the suffering in the world, which he clearly knows about being as he’s omniscient, but chooses not to.

I couldn’t worship a god who claims he does nothing about the suffering our world is plagued with because he wants to protect our free will, when we clearly already know we have none – worship or burn is not free will. Choices made under such duress are not actually choices.

I couldn’t worship a god who watches us while we fuck, masturbate and suck each other off to ensure we’re doing it all the right way and if we’re not, we burn. I couldn’t worship a god who gave any sort of a fuck which holes are invaded by the old General and his two Colonels or how many tits are in the room when a woman writhes with the ecstasy of orgasm.

Finally, I couldn’t worship a god who doesn’t even allow for an escape from his immoral tyranny; his Hitchensian celestial dictatorship, because even doing yourself in will send you straight to the flames of hell.

So, what would I do if I found out Christianity was true? Well, I’d just have to yell louder, fight harder and blog more right here on I’m sorry to say, Jeebots, but it’d just add fuel to my fire.

What would you do if Christianity were proven true? Let me know in the comments!

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