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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

Deepak Chopra Discovers The Cure For Stress… Except Not At All

Deepak Chopra

Happy Thanksgiving, atheists! I have one extra thing for you to feel thankful for on this holiday of gratefulness. Deepak Nopra, it appears, has discovered the cure for stress!

Known for his vague approach to reality, and his inability to choke out a sentence that doesn’t contain at least 4 words found in the glossary of How to Catch a Leprechaun, Deepounder is a respected scientist.

And by “scientist” in this context, I mean, of course, not a scientist at all.

How did he discover the cure for stress, then, GM?

You know, friendly reader, I’m gonna go ahead and put my money on the guess that his business manager called him up one day and said, “Hey Deepster, There’s a lot of money out there to be nabbed in the fight against stress. Got any woo the suckers’ll pay for to cure it?” Deepsy-doodle, of course, got on the floor and attempted criss-cross apple sauce as best he could with his thicc meaty thighs. What’s the scientific method without a couple of “ohms”, right? Deepicles ohmed and without much thought after that, (likely none at all), he’d found the solution.

I read about it on the Huffington Post. It’s just a short article but it took me a while to get through it, what with the constant side-clutching and wiping tears of laughter from my eyes.

It all started when I read this line:

During a talk for OWN’s “SuperSoul Sessions” speaker series


The Oprah Winfrey Network’s SuperSoul Sessions.

SuperSoul Sessions.

I did indeed spit out my tea.

You know what they say, where’s there’s an Oprah, there’s a goddamned Chopra, no holy. When I finished cleaning up my tea, I continued on, curious to find out what amazing solution he’d found to cure stress? Facing your problems? Getting shit done? Maybe endorphin-producing exercise?

He says, it comes down to asking yourself one simple question. “Stop and ask yourself: ‘Am I aware?'”

A spell? A magic spell is what you’re hawking to cure stress? No real-world answers at all, Deepizzle? A spell? That’s it?

“It’ll bring you to the moment. It’ll bring you to presence. It’ll bring you to who you really are,” Chopra says.

Double-dip, honey, I just asked myself if I was aware and it did nothing of the sort. The strangest thing about this was that I was already in the moment, and at present. In fact, I have no idea how to be in any time but that. I don’t know how to go to the future, nor how to go to the past. I am only ever in the present moment. Further, I don’t know how I can travel away from who I am. There are choices we have in life (what colour earplugs should I shove in my head so I don’t have to hear Mr. Dopra anymore?) and then there are things in life we cannot choose (Today, I feel like being Bobcat Goldthwait). I am always, and will always be who I am. I can’t be anything else.

And you’ll see in that presence that everything else is … just arising and subsiding. You can enjoy it [or] not enjoy it, but you don’t need to be bound by it.

If you stare closely at your elbow for at least 3 minutes, while breathing only out of your nose and staying at least a foot away from any metal, you’ll soon find yourself touching the chaotic energy of the astral plane with the tip of your spirit-cock. This will help your dandruff because all that chaos creates a vacuum that draws the flakes from your scalp, along your spirit-cock shaft and stores it for use during the Christmas season, as fake astral plane snow. Bonus: a spiritual blow job.

See, Dipster-doo? I can do it, too.

“Then ask yourself, ‘What am I aware of?'” he suggests.

Oh, Deephole… if only you’d ask yourself that question. You’d see that what you’re aware of resembles, quite closely, the center of a donut. Fucking bupkus.

Look around, feel your body, just see what’s happening in your mind — but don’t try to describe it,

Imagine you’re stressed at work and following Chip-Dip’s advice. Looking around and feeling yourself up, while remaining silent. That’s definitely not gonna cause more stress in your life. Nope. Not at all.

“As soon as you describe it, then it won’t be awareness. It will be a description.”

Wait. Wait wait wait. You’re saying… now let me get this clear, you’re saying that describing something is a description? Yeah. Obvioustown just called looking for their mayor back, there, shits n’ giggles. Remind me again, why do people listen to you?

In his entire speech on stress, Chope-on-a-Rope literally said nothing. Not a damned thing he uttered has any meaning at all. When I ask myself what I’m aware of in this present moment, I can tell you one thing for sure: Mr. Chopra is nothing more than a liar and a thief and he doesn’t know how to cure stress any better than the wind does. He is a nonsense-peddler, a woo-hawker and everything he says amounts to sweet, fancy, fuck all.

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