Christian Movie Plot Generator

(Because Apparently Every Script Was Written by the Same Youth Pastor in 2007)

First, choose your male lead. He must look like he owns at least one acoustic guitar he cannot play and refers to it as “my ministry.” His emotional range spans from “mild irritation” to “auditioning for the role of HULK” He hasn’t prayed in years, but he has posted “Blessed” under a photo of BBQ ribs.

Next, give him a job that suggests moral authority without requiring qualifications. Football coach. Lawyer. Contractor who quotes Bible verses while mismeasuring drywall. His real problem is unresolved emotional constipation, but the movie will insist it’s a “culture war.”

Now introduce the wife. She is permanently backlit like an angel who sells essential oils. She speaks exclusively in Hallmark card sentences and never blinks. She does not age. She does not perspire. She folds laundry like it’s a sacrament. Her primary hobby is forgiving things that have not yet happened.

Add a child with a disease that only appears when the plot needs a choir swell. This child coughs exactly three times in the entire film, each cough louder than the last, like a divine chime. Doctors are confused. Machines beep ominously. A nurse will say, “We’re doing everything we can,” which translates to “It’s time for a prayer montage.”

You now need a villain, but not a real one. A real villain would require nuance. Instead, choose Society. Society wears skinny jeans and drinks lattes. Society says “Happy Holidays.” Society is also a substitute teacher with purple hair who smirks whenever someone says “faith.” Society will be defeated by a courtroom speech that sounds like it was written on a napkin at Denny’s.

Insert the Token Atheist. This person’s entire personality is “evidence.” They will either cry, convert, or vanish mid-scene like they were raptured by poor script editing. Their degree is in something suspicious like Biology or Journalism, which we all know are gateway drugs to asking questions.

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Halfway through the movie, the protagonist will yell at God inside a pickup truck during a green-screen thunderstorm that doesn't fully key out. He punches the steering wheel. The steering wheel forgives him. Somewhere, a cross is silhouetted against a sunset so aggressively orange it looks like the sky is sponsored by Trump.

Cue the inevitable redemption montage. He starts jogging. He starts listening. He starts coaching a team of underprivileged kids who exist solely to clap at the end. A church choir materializes like NPCs in a video game. Someone says, “We’re not ashamed anymore,” which is odd, because statistically no one asked.

End with a miracle, a conversion, or a courtroom speech so legally unsound it would send society backward. On-screen text explains this was “based on a true story,” meaning someone once had a feeling near a gazebo.

Roll credits over a worship song that sounds like Coldplay fell into a baptismal font. Five stars. Two thumbs up. Six Facebook comments claiming Hollywood is persecuting them while this exact movie releases every nine months like clockwork.

Amen.

Alright, it's your turn, now! Use the generator below to come up with your movie plot and let me know what you got in the comments!

1. YOUR PROTAGONIST

Your Neighbour's Birth Month = Main Character

January — The Youth Pastor With Frosted Tips

February — The Single Mom Who Owns 14 Cross-Embossed Stanley Cups

March — The Football Coach Who Angrily Spits Leviticus at Referees

April — The Lawyer Who Objects to Evolution

May — The Contractor With a Bumper Sticker on His Crew Cab That Reads, "I Build Big Decks for Jesus"

June — The Influencer Who Thanks God for Ring Lights and IG Filters

July — The Firefighter Who Wants to Baptize People With a Hose

August — The Homeschooling Mom Who Thinks Wi-Fi Is Witchcraft

September — The Accountant Who Tithes in Exact Change

October — The Atheist Criminal/Sexual Deviant

November — The Soldier Who Prays Before Using GPS Because He Thinks it Makes it More Accurate

December — The Mall Santa Who Evangelizes To Poor Children

2. YOUR SUPPORTING CHARACTER

First Letter of your Doctor's First Name is Your Supporting Character

A–C — High School Coach Who Bench-Presses Scripture

D–F — Lawyer Specializing in Suing Halloween

G–I — Christian Rock Guitarist Who is Also a Three-Time Born-Again Virgin

J–L — Real Estate Agent Selling “Pre-Raptured” Homes

M–O — Motivational Speaker With a Strict Wafer & Wine Diet

P–R — Contractor Who Measures Twice, Prays Thrice

S–U — Radio Host Who Calls Dinosaurs “A Theory”

V–Z — Podcast Host Named Something Like “TruthHammer”

3. THE WIFE / LOVE INTEREST

The Day Your Favourite Musician Was Born

1–5 — Angelically Backlit Essential Oil Empress

6–10 — Woman Who Forgives Things That Haven’t Happened Yet

11–15 — Human Hallmark Card With Eyeliner

16–20 — Perpetually Folding Laundry Like It’s a Sacrament

21–25 — Speaks Exclusively in Proverbs and Pinterest Quotes

26–31 — Believes She is Still a Virgin Despite Having Six Kids

4. THE CHILD

Number of Letters in Your Favourite Band

3–4 — Coughs Once, Entire Hospital Panics

5–6 — Has a Disease Only Detectable by Holy Water

7–8 — Draws Crosses That Doctors Call “Medically Significant”

9+ — Glows Slightly During Prayer Scenes

5. THE VILLAIN

Your Dog's Favourite Colour Determines the Villain

Red — Society Wearing Skinny Jeans

Blue — A Substitute Teacher With Purple Hair

Green — A Coffee Shop That Says “Happy Holidays”

Black — A Science Textbook

White — A Judge Who Uses Big Words

Pink — The Concept of Critical Thinking

Purple — Marilyn Manson

Orange — The Institutions of Higher Learning

Other — Roblox

6. THE CONFLICT

Last Digit of Your Best Friend's Birth Year is The Conflict

0 — Forgetting to Pray Before Eating an Uncrustable

1 — A Children's Show Featuring Dinosaurs

2 — A Starbucks Cup With a Suspicious Lack of Jesus

3 — A Library Book About Astronomy

4 — Cleavage on Social Media

5 — The Word “Inclusive”

6 — A Yoga Studio Opening Nearby

7 — A College Student Asking Questions

8 — A Courtroom With Wi-Fi

9 — A Rainbow Flag Existing

7. THE MIRACLE ENDING

Your Zodiac Sign (Or just pick one. God forgives, tight?)

Aries — A Courtroom Speech That Legally Shouldn’t Work, But Does

Taurus — A Single Tear Converts 400 People

Gemini — A Guitar Solo Heals the Child Instantly

Cancer — Rain Stops Because Someone Whispered “Amen”

Leo — The Sun Sets So Aggressively Orange It Looks Sponsored by Trump

Virgo — A Cross Appears in a Cloud Shaped Like Nebraska

Libra — Everyone Claps in Slow Motion

Scorpio — The Villain Apologizes for Having a Degree

Sagittarius — A Choir Materializes Out of Nowhere

Capricorn — On-Screen Text: “Based on a True Feeling”

Aquarius — The Steering Wheel Forgives Him

Pisces — Coldplay-Adjacent Worship Song Plays Over Credits

If you enjoyed this, you'll enjoy my CHRISTIAN MOVIE TRAILER GENERATOR™.