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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

An Open Letter To The Atheist-Hating Jeebot Who Says We’re Stealing Christmas

Dearest Chuck O’Neal,

I read your letter to atheists, agnostics and other unbelieving Christmas celebrants. You know, the one in which you “sincerely” wished us all a Merry Christmas and then proceeded to threaten us with images of Hell? Yeah. That was about as sincere as Milli Vanilli at karaoke night. Thanks bigly.

Milli Vanilli

Girl you know it’s true…

You said,

true Christmas spirit and love necessitates that you be warned, in your non-Christian celebration of Christmas you’ve stolen a drop of merriment from an ocean of eternal joy that only awaits believers who are made truly and eternally merry through repentance of sin and faith in Jesus Christ.

So, what you’re saying, Chuck, is that if we enjoy this time of year, we’ve taken away from your enjoyment of this time of year? That your “eternal” joy is actually pretty finite and diminished only through the power of heathenry? Further, you say this out of “love”. You’ve suggested that it is loving to assert that only those who share your beliefs can enjoy Christmas (a holiday you Christicles snafooed from Saturnalia and other Pagan traditions) without taking away from the enjoyment of others.

In short, you’re saying that my joy diminishes your joy, but you love me.

I haven’t heard a load of shit this big since Billy Clinton swore he never Cuban’d Lewinsky in the Oval Office.

Billy Clinton Laughs

As a Christ rejecting, unbeliever the joy you experience at Christmas doesn’t belong to you

I beg your pardon, but it absolutely does. You see, any faith worth labelling “loving” would see other people’s joy as a good thing; an overall increase in joy on earth. Your faith, on the other hand, is telling you that unbelievers like me should be miserable on December 25th. Do you see, hun, how hoping for someone else’s misery is about as loving as Unky Trump at a Quinceañera? Your sort of love is the sort of love nobody needs, friendo.

Hear me out before you resort to a characteristic, “Bah, humbug!”

Chucky, doll, you’re writing this letter to unbelievers who enjoy celebrating Christmas. How then, is “Bah, Humbug!” characteristic? I thought you wanted less joy from us at Christmas because it takes away from your own tender, fragile joy? Does that not mean you want more of a “Bah, Humbug!” attitude from us rather than less? It’s one measly letter to a bunch of heathens, shorter than Jesus’ sacrifice, and you still can’t keep your story straight. How the fuck are we supposed to buy it then? How gullible do you think we are?

What is the state of those who deny their Creator, suppress the truth of God, and reject the love of God in Jesus?

See, Charlie Claus, this is where you’ve gone wrong. You’re clearly not well versed in the definition of atheism. As atheists, we don’t believe in a creator. Ergo, there is nothing for us to deny. We cannot reject something that we do not believe in. No worries, Chuckster, plenty of Jeebots make this mistake. Atheism is just a lack of belief in a god; it is not a middle finger to god. You cannot finger a god who is not there to be fingered.

Outside of Christ the eternal ocean of God’s burning wrath is rising up in a great wave to swallow rebel sinners forever. The Bible calls it the Lake of Fire.

This must be a new record. We’ve only gotten to the second paragraph in a letter that the writer is claiming comes from a place of love before we’re threatened with hell. I can’t say I’m entirely shocked. It’s my third ticket to hell today. I slipped on the ice scraping the windows on my truck this morning and exclaimed, “For the love of baby Jesus at his mother’s teet! Fuck!”. I biffed hard and landed, ass throbbing in the snow. Still blaspheming under my breath, I heard, “Careful! The Lord punishes that language!”. So, tough titties Chuckles. Old Lady McJesus beat you to it, today.

You may work hard to suppress this reality, yet you know it to be true. All of creation and your own God given conscience speak to you of your Creator and your accountability for your sin.

I have, not a day in my life, had the slightest trickle of belief in your make-believe lake of fire. Even as a child, I could see the holes in the story. I am sure you, Chuck, would live fine in Heaven knowing people are burning for eternity in a lake of fire, but those of us with empathy and compassion would be distraught by it. We would not be able to enjoy Heaven if we were aware that anyone was being tortured for all time. In short, Chuck, there can either be Heaven or Hell, but there cannot be both. They cancel each other out. Unless, of course, you’re a monster. You’re not a monster, are you Chuckster?

Friend, repent of your stolen Christmas merriment, your fleeting joy in a life of unbelieving rebellion against the God you know.

Is a condescending attitude a thing God likes? I feel like it must be something God likes since so many of his followers are condescending. Chuck, do you feel like your god is looking down on your condescending behaviour right now, saying, “Atta boy!”. Because that’s not the sort of God I’d ever consider worshipping. You know, because I have common fucking decency.

Believe upon Jesus Christ: born of the virgin; fully God; fully Man; yet without sin; crucified for sinners; suffering the eternal wrath of God that their sins deserve; paying their debt in full; dying upon the cross; resurrecting on the third day; conquering sin, Satan, and death on behalf of all those for whom He died; all those who will repent and confess Him as Lord and God.

Well, now that you’ve said I should, I suppose I ought to get right on that, hey? That’s been my problem all along! I just haven’t had a Christian tell me to believe in Jesus!

Chuck, a stranger on the internet asserting something may be enough for you to sign over your life, but for me, I need a little bit more. For a start, demonstrable evidence that your god is real. Also, some verifiable evidence that he’s not the giant dick rash you make him out to be. ‘Cause you know what, lover? He seems like a giant dick rash.

Don’t attempt to satisfy your thirst for joy with friends, family, food, material possessions, music, movies, and holiday decor.

Ahh, shit. Too late, dingleberry. I put up my Christmas lights over the weekend.

My Christmas Lights

Your sin taints all of that and your joy is fleeting even on the best of days.

Well Jeebus on a cracker, doesn’t Christianity just hit you right in the feels? It sounds just about as wholesome as a Babysitting Service by Jeffrey Epstein!

Chucky? Do you ever get tired of being broken and having to grovel for it? I sure would.

The judgment of death is upon you and you cannot escape its reality no matter how hard you try. How many Christmases do you have left? Fifty, twenty, ten, three, or this could be the very last year you are graciously allowed a stolen drop of Christmas merriment to compel you to believe upon Christ before it is finally and eternally too late.
The Atheists Who Stole Christmas

Well, I dunno about the rest of you fine heathens out there, but this paragraph alone makes me want to sing! Joy to the world, the Lord has come, and everyone will die! 

Flee to Christ while there is time. Flee to Christ in repentance and faith! Find forgiveness of sin, find peace with God, find joy and merriment now and you will celebrate God’s love to sinners through Christ forever!

Merry Christmas, Chuck. Sincerely.

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1 Comment

James Thankless
James Thankless
Apr 12, 2021

It is humorous that the religion which worked so hard to steal the midwinter celebrations, and tack their own trademark on on something Much older than Christianity, has the nerve to call it "theft" when anyone other than those who stole the celebration choose to celebrate. The winter solstice has been celebrated by humans for so many thousands of years before the christ myth was ever dreamed up.


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