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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

A Very Personal & Heartbreaking Confession

I have been resisting writing this because… well, because pride.


I’m sure you’ve noticed, I haven’t been posting as much as I used to. I’m sure you’ve noticed the sudden lack of videos. I’m sure you’ve also noticed my near-desperate pushing of the new t-shirts I’ve designed.

It’s all because I may have to stop being Godless Mom.

Here’s the situation. As most of you know, my husband works full-time and I do freelance writing from home, which doesn’t pay a ton. All said, we don’t make much but it was working for us. We were able to keep the bills paid and to afford little extras every once in a while.

In December, we were served by my stepdaughter’s mother to pay more in child support. Why she didn’t just ask us, we don’t really know. We’re reasonable. We would have had no problem with it. We still have no problem with it, and agreed to pay the monthly amount she was asking for, no issue. It’s making our life a little tighter, but nothing that cutting back on a few things wouldn’t make up for. My stepdaughter is certainly worth it.

The problem, however, is that she is asking for several years of backpay. Years during which we had an agreement signed and filed with the court for the amount we were paying (an agreement which is not legal, which we have just now learned). She is suing us for so much more money than we can come up with, and so we have no choice but to fight it.

Let me be clear, she deserves to have as much money as she needs to take excellent care of my stepdaughter, and I will fight for her right to that until the day I die, but I draw the line when it forces my son to live in poverty. That’s when I stand up and fight.

What this means, is that we not only have to shell out absurd amounts of court costs and filing fees but so far, my husband has had to spend large portions of every day for the past month just trying to navigate the bureaucracy that is the British Columbia Supreme Court.

We can’t afford a lawyer. We can’t even afford to be in this mess in the first place.

We are hemorrhaging money just going through this process. Every step of the way, there is another fee and another appointment. Usually in the Lower Mainland, which is four hours away and through the treacherously snowy mountains. More cost. More time. More risk. All that, and we could still lose and have to pay her everything she is asking for.

The hits just keep coming and finally this week, our car broke down. We were pretty much keeping it together, staying positive, but as soon as Godless Dad texted me that he thought it was the transmission, I broke. I’m completely devastated.

Throughout this process, I’ve had people suggest I ask my audience to help out. I didn’t want to do that. These are my problems, not yours. Instead, I’ve been trying to create things for you guys that you could buy (t-shirts, etc). I didn’t want to ask for your help without you getting anything in return. I didn’t want to write this out. I didn’t want to tell you any of this, because it’s my fucking problem.

Recently, a friend argued that I should tell you guys because I have always told you everything. I was open about my sexual assaults, the loss of my friend, my grandmother. I was open with you about many things, why would I keep this from you when it directly jeopardizes my ability to continue doing this thing that you guys support so wholeheartedly? He also suggested that I should at least let you decide whether or not you want to help; that to some, the loss of Godless Mom could hit harder than I realize. I thought that maybe he was right. I had a whole other post planned, but I decided I would share this with you, instead.

I am legit bawling as I write this. You have absolutely no idea how fucking much this whole thing means to me, and how much you all mean to me.

You have fucking changed my life. You have made my life infinitely better. You’re a group of people that grows faster than I can understand and just supports me with everything I do. I have never felt so loved, so appreciated and honoured to just be considered a part of a group of people. You fuckers are goddamned amazing, no holy.

When I say I love you guys, no words have ever been truer. I fucking love you guys.

I feel utterly embarrassed writing this out and ashamed beyond belief. This isn’t how things were supposed to turn out. This isn’t how I wanted this to come to an end. It is looking though, as I go through all of my options, that Godless Mom may end up being a casualty of this. The more I work, the less time for this I will have.

If you feel like your life would be missing something without Godless Mom and you feel compelled to help, you can do so the following ways:

Every last one of you who has read and appreciated my writing, watched and enjoyed a video I’ve made or just followed me on social media happily… every last one of you has contributed to making these past two years the best of my life. That is absolutely more than enough for me. I never expected a cent out of this. I did it only for love and that is the very reason my heart is breaking right now. I love this. I love this so much and I just don’t want to stop, ever.

I will continue to find any way I possibly can to make this work while I have to work more on paid jobs. I am not about to give up yet, but I thought I just needed to be honest with you guys about all of this.

I love you guys, with every inch of me, I love you.


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