It’s December now and for the Hellbound that means just one thing: time to get warring on Christmas.
Recently, American Atheists put up a few billboards that looked like this:
This, as many of you already know, signifies the beginning of the War On Christmas. If you’re new to atheist activism, I’m here to explain the next steps and how you can do your part to make sure you’re waging war on Christmas with the rest of us.
1. Be sure to say Merry Christmas to everyone you see. This throws the theists off and they spend the rest of the day watching Bill O’Reilly on YouTube trying to pinpoint what exactly you’re up to. You may catch them from time to time, peering at you from around the corner, or clutching their Bible while they update their Facebook status to, “Atheist coworker up to something. Padlock your nativity scenes.”
2. Put Christmas lights on your house. This will highlight the lack of a nativity scene on your front lawn, ensuring all your neighbours know you’re a Satanist who would sacrifice their pet cat on your Dawkins altar given half the chance. You’ll suddenly notice an obvious lack of pussies in the ‘hood, when the cul de sac jeebots lock ’em up for their own protection.
3. Put a tree up in your home and decorate it. This ritual has deep pagan roots (I’m so punny!) and, if you place the tree near a window for all driving and walking by to see, is comparable to putting a neon sign on your house that says, “Satanist lives here”. The Christmas purists will recognize it as the heathen symbol it is, and you won’t be getting any carolers on your doorstep this year, that’s for sure.
4. Buy gifts for the people in your life. Accepting a gift from a heretic like you will strike fear deep into the Christian’s heart and have them wondering, “Did I just sell my soul to the devil for a Starbucks gift card?”
5. Send Christmas cards out to your favourite people. When a Christian friend or loved one receives theirs, they may just change their Facebook status to some cryptic attention-getter like, “Why would an atheist send out Christmas cards? I thought they hated God”. Just wait for it…
6. Take your kids to see Santa. Paranoia will set in amongst the jeebots, that your kids are casting some black magic spell on him to deliver nothing but large, floppy dildos to the God-fearing kids of America.
Clearly the devil’s work.
7. Wear a cheerful Christmas sweater. When your Bible-thumping friends see it and are compelled to point out that you don’t even believe in Christ, just counter with, “If ugly Christmas sweaters came from yarn, why the heck is there still yarn?”.
8. Finally, be sure to give to those in need this season. When you drop a buck or two into a Salvation Army kettle, or hand out hats to the homeless, it will strike fear in the hearts of the Godly that your devil-donations come with a caveat, and what they are actually witnessing is the mass-recruiting of a vast Beelzebub-army, starving for souls.
If all good atheists practice these few things this season, we’ll have struck a nasty blow to the very heart of Christmas and it will only be a matter of time before it’s a thing of the past. So, get out there and fight! Good luck!