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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

7 Things Faith Can Save You From

When you’re an outspoken atheist on the internet, you get sent a lot of cringe-worthy links. We’re talking Lucy-level cringe:


I was sent, recently, to this Christian article: 7 Things Faith Can Save You From – which is not really an article so much as a slideshow of heaping bullshit. I’m just going to go ahead and tell you not to read it. Don’t even click on it. Momma’s gonna write up her own damned version, and you can bet your ass it’s gonna be a whole helluva lot more tolerable.

Here is my version of 7 Things Faith Can Save You From:

crazy jesus

1. Reality!

We all know reality sucks sometimes. When you don’t get the job you want, or you stub your toe, or maybe your new neighbours just moved in and they’re gay and you can’t stop thinking about Ron and John doing the butt secks. It’s okay! Faith will save you from all of this. Pray about that cancer instead! Sure, you have a bigger chance of dying without the attention of a medical professional, but who cares? You’ll be in Heaven, hangin’ with the Jeeboner and nary a bill to pay in sight!

2. Responsibility!

Did you hurt someone? Did you steal something, or destroy someone’s property or judge someone unfairly? Maybe you bullied someone or shunned them or disowned them? Feeling a little guilty? Fuck your conscience! Just have faith, pray for forgiveness and you are absolved of all responsibility! Pack your bags for Heaven, homeboy, cause your ticket is paid for.

3. Knowledge!

With faith, the answer to everything is “God did it!” No need for further study. Why read about evolution or the cosmos or medical health, when you know already that the big guy in the sky is behind everything? Telescopes? Nothing but masturbation for sapiosexuals. Books? You only need one, girlfriend. Scientific discoveries? Stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes and say a Hail Mary. Ignorance, after all, is bliss!

4. Reason!

Living life with an imaginary friend may sound crazy to some, but clearly, those people have never really tried it! The faithful never drink alone! They’re always drinkin’ with the lord!

5. Logic!

God made light four days before the sun? A boat built that was big enough for two of every species, and their food? Virgin births? Talking snakes? None of this makes sense, but who cares? You have faith that God works in mysterious ways so no need to ponder these little riddles any longer!

6. Science!

We all know science is a big, worldwide conspiracy between 7 million scientists working for hundreds of thousands of independent institutions worldwide.  With faith, you can ignore what these monsters say! It’s only a matter of time before one of these 7 million scientists leaks evidence of the conspiracy anyway. Do you know how hard it is to keep a secret amongst 7 million people who speak all sorts of different languages?


All of these benefits of faith can be yours at the small cost of your human decency, critical thought processes, and your natural human curiosity about the world around you. So, submit today and be free of all of these worldly problems!

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