Happy Hump Day, heathens. I was planning on posting today about the new bigoted asshole acts in Indiana and Arkansas, but as I surfed around to read the other side’s opinions on the horseshit, I kept stumbling across headlines that made me double take. I had to ask myself if I’d been in a Delorean lately, ’cause I feel like I’ve gone back to the year 100.
I couldn’t not share these with you. It paints a picture of Christendom that is terrifying, hilarious and I’m pretty sure might cause shrinkage. You’ve been warned.
6 fucking headlines you won’t believe are from 2015. Y’ready? Let’s get in this Delorean and buckle the fuck up.
1. What God’s Been Teaching Me Through Sports. Didja double-take? I did. I certainly did when I found this glittering gem of godly absurdity. I fucking double-took so hard I got whiplash.
David Murrow! Please tell us what God’s been teaching you through sports!
Is it, how to flirt?
Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact annnnnnd lick!
Maybe how to dance?
1… 2… hips and 1… 2… hips
Mr. Murrow says,
I don’t believe God controls sporting events
Phew! For a minute there, Davey, I thought maybe you forgot to wear your helmet to dodgeball practice.
but he has been using these crazy last second defeats to teach me something valuable about my spiritual life
Ah! I take that back. Your crazy is, in fact, showing, D-money.
2. Jesus Might Bake The Cake But Would He Perform The Nuptials? Lizzie Scalia took an axe, and gave her credibility forty whacks…
I dunno Lizballs, Alf might perform the song, but would he keep the panties you throw?
Scully may kiss Mulder, but would she smoke his pole?
Get some, Scully, damn.
I guess speculating about what fictional characters may or may not do seems like a silly way to determine the goddamned law, Lizzercise, now put the fucking axe down.
3. “I’m Ba-a-ack”. I’m sorry. I just can’t help but think the timing of this blog post from the faithful Marky-Mark is some clever way to poke fun at his saviour’s rise from the dead.
He’s back, bitches.
4. “If God Loves Me, Why Did I Lose My Job?” A New Devotional for the Unemployed. Well, for starters, Andy R., your desk does not double as a bar.
Where everybody knows your name…
Also, quitting is not the same as “losing your job”.
Plus, Andy, I think any employer would be concerned that your reaction to losing your job is to question God’s love.
I doubt this kid is asking “if God loves me, why won’t he let me eat?”
Sorry, kiddo, God doesn’t love you.
Or that she’s on the phone direct with Heaven demanding to know why she lost her arm if God is so damned loving:
We’re through, God! *click*
You probably lost your job for one of 4 reasons, Randy Andy. 1. You did something wrong. Take responsibility. 2. You keep voting for people who won’t reform the law to stop giant corporations from laying off hardworking people despite showing record profits. Take responsibility. 3. The economy is in the shitter and your employer couldn’t afford you anymore. 4. Your job is obsolete.
5. Does the Devil Have Your Ear? A-say-what? No, seriously. I can’t hear you.
la la la la la
6. Open letter to the apostle Paul from a concerned reader. Hold up, lemme just grab him.
Not there… maybe he’s swimming…
Nope. Perhaps he’s in the shower.
Well, that’s not Paul.
Huh. It’s almost as if… it’s almost as if he’s been dead for thousands of years!
Days like this I feel like I need to be wearing a toga and some biblical sandals and accusing my neighbours of witchcraft. Sigh.
Have you seen any hilarious Christian headlines lately? Let me know in the comments.