Updated: Aug 30
Alright, Hammy. I’ve sat by listening to your horseshit long enough. You and I have a long-overdue appointment with reason and it starts now. I have a few questions about your little dingy down there in Kentucky and I’m hoping you have the goolies to answer them. I’ll use all the most conservative estimates for the duration of the Ark’s maiden sailing and the number of animals being rescued from God’s wrath. Keep in mind, Hamburglar, that I am no biblical scholar, having lived my entire life Jesus-free. Feel free to correct my Jeeboner ignorance wherever you see it:
1. Lions eat, on average, 25lbs of prey per day. That’s over 18,000 pounds each on your little luxury cruise if we agree they were on the ark for a year. To feed two lions for a year, that’s over 100 wildebeests, 144 boars or 327 hares. Providing each animal survives the year, so it’d probably be wise to keep a couple extra, no? Maybe we have 150 boars on board to feed the lions, plus, of course, the two boars we’re saving from the global flood. So, 152 boars all together. But wait. Tigers also eat boar. Also at a rate of about 25lbs per day. So, to feed two tigers, that’s another 150 boars, plus two extra in case a boar or two dies, plus the lion food boars and the boars we’re saving from the flood, we’re now at 304 boars. Hold up there Cover Girl, aren’t there more than one species of tiger? Six! Six species of tigers still walk the earth today. That’s another 760 boars! Now, we’re at 1064 boars just to feed the lions and tigers. Lynx, jungle cats and snow leopards also eat wild boar. 1520 boars. The brown bear and grey wolf also eat boars. 1820 wild boars onboard your fancy fauna ferry. The Komodo dragon. 1970 boars. Oh, Kenny, I’ve just looked it up: there are 30 species of leopard in the world who feast on boar guts. We’ve already counted the snowy version, so that brings us to 6378 wild boars all crammed up in your cruise ship. The odds are pretty good that I’ve missed a few boar gobbling species here, so lets round our little porcine crowd off to about sixty-five hundo. My first question to you is: You got room on your sea-doo for six thousand five hundred boars?
2. Boars eat nuts, eggs, mice and grass. About 6 lbs of it per day. That’s 39,000 lbs of food they would consume per day. That’s a whopping 14,235,000 lbs of nuts, eggs, fruit and grass for the entire flood, just to feed the food for the lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Let me be clear – this is just to feed what you’re planning on feeding to a small group of species on board the Love Boat. Captain, ya got room for that?
3. The elephant on the boat then becomes the fact that 6500 boars and 14,235,000 lbs of rotting eggs and fruit is just what you need to feed around 40 species. You say your ark rescued 16,000 animals. Some of which eat other animals which would need to be kept alive until feeding time, meaning you’d have to have food for them, too. This is becoming a problem, Hamslice. I don’t think your canoe can really accommodate all that, can it?
4. It is said that in captivity, predatory animals such as tigers must be allowed to hunt and kill their prey in their natural habitat on occasion if they are to be re-released into the wild with any success. I imagine you’d have to somehow create habitats reminiscent of the Serengeti, the Arctic circle and the Rocky Mountains to name a few, so as to ensure the successful reintroduction of your animal pals into the wild when the floodwaters drop. So, I guess my question is, on top of the space needed for two of every animal on earth, plus 6500 boar and all the other food you’d need to feed your paw patrol for a year, do you have room to build hunting grounds for your predators you plan to re-release into the wild?
5. Let’s talk about poop, Hamburger. I know, it’s a shitty topic but we gotta do it. Dumbo can drop 300lbs of pure deuce in a day, my bearded friend. That means you’re dealing with 600lbs of ellie dung on the daily, and 219,000 lbs for the entire pleasure cruise. Hippos are worse at about 400lbs of bum nugget a day. For two hippos, you’re at 800lbs per day and 292,000 pounds until God drains the bathtub. A zoo with just 2600 animals, large and small, produces 5000 lbs of crud a day. Do a little math and you can estimate your little dinner cruise of 16,000 animals produces, conservatively, 30,769 lbs of dookie… per day. Considering there are just eight people on the ark, that means each person had to shovel 3846 lbs of shart per day. Oh, shit, what was I thinking? We didn’t even count the dung produced by the food for your 16,000 animals. Remember those 6500 boars? They drop about 10lbs a day. Per boar. That’s a whole other 65,000 lbs of turd per day! 34,955,685 lbs of pile until the floods dry up, just from the food that feeds your big cats! That means each of your eight human passengers is shovelling a whopping and putrid 11,972 lbs of shit per day… each! It appears they wouldn’t have time to do much else, including feed and care for the animals, feed and care for themselves or take the Browns to the Super Bowl when their own nature calls. Hamster, I have to ask… is that all Noah’s family did for 365 days? Shovel scat?
6. Yo. Moons over my Hammy. How, precisely, does a 600-year-old man get through shovelling 11,972 lbs of rear rocket in a day? I mean, I’m in my thirties and I’d have trouble with it. I’d be willing to accept a demonstration as proof, Hamsteak. If you can do it, I’ll accept that Noah can. Yes. That’s a challenge. The 11,972 lbs of Number Two Challenge. Hop on it.
7. Hammer, you know animals are gonna play hide the baloney pony, right? And you know there are loads of animals with gestation periods less than forty days, no? You got two rabbits on board? You’ll have 1500 by the time the big guy dries up the joint. Hamsters, mice, gerbils, chipmunks, wombats… I could go on. Are you prepared for your 16,000 animals (plus 6500 boars, 14,235,000 lbs of rotting eggs and apples, 34,955,685 lbs of Hershey’s Kisses) to turn into 150,000? Or do you just plan to slaughter all floodborn beasts?
8. On the flipside, Hammy, some animals, like the panda, tend not to storm the cotton gin as frequently as the future of their species may require. Especially pandas kept in captivity. They just have very little interest in gettin’ any stink on the hangdown. Were there species who didn’t procreate post-flood and thus, became extinct? I find it hard to believe that every last animal onboard disembarked and got straight to raw-doggin’ it to repopulate their species. Did we lose some at this juncture in the story?
9. You know animals die, right hambone? How did Noah guarantee that each animal was healthy enough to endure a year-long float? Surely some were lost along the way. The life cycle doesn’t stop because it rains a ton. How many species did we lose forever because one or both of them went to the big ol’ farm in the sky?
10. You’ve said that Noah brought only one species of animal from each “kind”, which I have translated from Hamnese to mean “family”. So, if Noah brought lions to represent the cats, and we now have many more species of cats post-flood, you accept that evolution occurs and diversifies biological populations into more species. You get that in order to believe your version of Noah’s story, you have to believe in evolution, right?
Hamsquad, you and I both know that no sane, clear-thinking individual sees all these problems with the ark story and still believes it. I think there was a time you believed it, and vocalizing that made you some fat stacks. Over time though, facing the likes of Bill Nye and Richard Dawkins and myriad questions like the ones I’ve posed above, you realized how ludicrous it all is. The ark has so many holes in it, it sank a long time ago. Now, you’re just in it for the cheddar, aren’t ya, Hammy? Yeah, y’are. So, go ahead and give us some answers to these questions we can all laugh at. I had a giggle writing them up, and you’ll have a snicker answering them, and then you’ll cash in on your little theme park of lies even you don’t believe in.
Can you answer any of these questions for Ken Ham? Let me know in the comments!