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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

This Just In : Apparently, There Are No Hetero Men #ShitNunsSay

I have this powerful, powerful desire to start just about every blog post with, Oh, Boy…

This one, of course, is no different.

Let’s just get to it already because the longer I spend on this post, the more I want to regurgitate my godforsaken (#NoHoly) lasagna.

So, this happened. The nunnery sent forth a habit to talk to some students about masculinity and femininity. You know, because no one knows what the fuck being feminine is all about more than a fucking nun.

Nun’s epitomize femininity.
Nun’s epitomize femininity.

The nun, presumably strapped with a wearable, under-habit, teledildonic device that’s triggered by hate, decided she was going to prey (pray?) on the impressionable minds of high school students. She fed them a despicable lecture that would have made Hitler pop a woody.

Sister sleaze claimed that totally normal or common things like masturbation and an absent father will cause a boy to become gay. Scuzztwat also told the kids that gay parents would likely be abusive parents.

Let’s clarify three totally fucking obvious points:

  1. If masturbation made men gay, there would be no hetero men.

  2. If marriage is supposed to be between a man and a woman and anything other than that arrangement is a threat to the sanctity of marriage, what threat to the sanctity of marriage does a woman marrying a fucking nonexistent fairy tale pose? Let’s not forget that the haters in habits marry ol' Yahweh. That’s like marrying a fart. At least same-sex marriages are between two people of the same goddamned (#NoHoly) state of existence.

  3. Gay parents are abusive? Have you read any stories about the Catholic church in the past fifty years? If we counted how many times abusive gay parents were reported vs. how many times a man of the cloth touched a little boy in the goddamned (#NoHoly) rectory, what we would have is direct and undeniable proof that abstaining from the natural desire to fuck turns people into unfucking monsters. Glass houses, bitch.

If I was god I would smite the fuck out of this nun for eternity. Same-sex love is beautiful because love is beautiful. You want to talk about unnatural? Celibacy is unnatural and, as evidenced masculinityby this story and the steady stream of holy men touching the holes of men, turns people completely fucking wicked.

All my hetero homeboys out there: slap your happy sack at least one extra time today, just to prove this nefarious nun wrong.

Go polish your knob!
Go polish your knob!

Do you think sister act 3 should be kept in the nunnery? Or do you think she’s right? How do you feel about masturbation? Are you pro-love or anti?

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