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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

The Church’s Brilliant Plan To Stop The Gaystapo

This morning, after the usual cluster of tweets that collected overnight asking why there are still monkeys, where I got my morals, and did I know Hitler was an atheist, I scanned my feeds. I found a post by a man, Dan Phillips, urging Churches to include language in their constitutions to protect themselves from the “Gaystapo.”

Ya-huh. The Gaystapo.

Apparently, the gays and their allies are out to persecute churches and they have the sneakiest of plans. What they plan to do, is… well, they plan to try to remain members of churches their families have belonged to for decades, or try to join churches and become contributing, charitable members and when they are turned away by the grace of God, they may just sue.

The nerve of them!

I’m just… I suppose I am not sure that Dan or the fearful churches are thinking this all the way through. They're coming up short, really.

Let’s take a look at some stats, to clarify my point:

So, your church is losing numbers. It’s losing the war on gay people. More and more people are choosing to have less and less to do with your church, it’s quite clear.

And you want to turn more people away?

There’s a scene in one of the world’s finest films, Major League. Lou Brown, the Cleveland Indian’s manager, confides in his team that he’s found out their owner is planning to self-sabotage so she can relocate to Miami. Their response?

Jake Taylor: Well, I guess there’s only one thing left to do then. Dorn: What’s that? Taylor: Win the whole… fucking… thing.

And you know what, Dan, Dan the Bible man? They won the whole fucking thing.

As any Big Brother fan can tell you, self-sabotage rarely pays off. It’s sort of why they call it self-sabotage.

The fact is, Danny-boy, men and women who identify as homosexual have been found to be more generous, and give more of their time than the average American. Isn’t that what the church thrives on? Donations, charity and volunteerism? It’s been reported numerous times that churches are losing funding, have fewer donations and are unable to engage in the charitable acts they used to.

And you want to turn away people who give more than average in both time and money? As fictional Cleveland Indians owner Rachel Phelps said in the very same cinematic masterpiece, Major League,

“Another coupla years of this and I’m going to have to start feeding Chow-Chow real dog food.”

You guys keep this shit up and you’re gonna have to replace your eucharist wine with kool-aid.

Divorce amongst Christians is also much higher than amongst other religious groups, including atheists and agnostics. The idea you so desperately want to portray of marriage being a cherished institution amongst the faithful is straight-up bullshit. Increasing numbers of your members are finding marriage unnecessary or ending their existing marriages. That doesn’t seem to me like they see marriage as a sacred institution. You could do with a few more members who are likely to stay happily married for life. You could afford to invite a few more members to change those demographics and make Christians the least divorced group in America.

And yet you’re turning those very people away?

You know, despite your leadership taking issue with the “Gaystapo,” most of your members are distancing themselves from that sort of hateful rhetoric. They’re starting to support the idea of love. They’re starting to support same-sex marriage, and gay rights. These trends rarely reverse. It’s called progress.

You have a leadership that’s hell-bent on self-sabotage and there are increasing numbers of church members who disagree with that. What do you think is going to happen, Danny? Are they gonna lay down and tag obediently along with your hateful constitution? Or are they gonna stick around and give everyone a nice, big shitburger to eat?

I’m gonna go with shitburger, Dan. They’re gonna give you a shitburger.

To recap, churches the world over are all experiencing similar problems: attendance is down, donations are lower, fewer people are volunteering their time, the sacred image of marriage is being tarnished by high divorce rates and more and more people are choosing to identify as having no religious affiliation.

And your plan, sweet, darling Dan, is to turn generous, hard-working people in committed relationships away?

Good luck


The only thing you’re going to accomplish, is sending your church to the annals of history alongside oracles, human sacrifice and Rachel Phelps’ Floridian dreams. You’re doing our work for us, Dan. You’re sending the crowds of people into the welcoming and friendly arms of the secular world. If you weren’t hurting people in the process, I’d almost cheer you on.

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