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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

Just When I Thought I’d Had Enough…

Girl hand over her ears

Some days I want to shut it all down and just post one final, “Go Fuck Yourself”. God help the theist who approaches me with a quiver full of wildly absurd fallacies during those moments because mommy can and has brought down the hammer on a cross licker or two in this mood.

It really gets quite tiring. It sucks it right out of me some days. I mean, it’s not like I make any money at this. What little does trickle in gets spent on hosting, domain and all the little social media bells and whistles I need to be able to deliver the sheer volume of content I do to you on a daily basis. It’s not like anyone in my real-life benefits from me doing this, let alone understands it. I find myself thinking about these things and wondering if the hours I spend on this daily is actually worth basically having my humanity questioned on a daily basis by hundreds of people.

But just as I am about to pull the plug on it, a closeted atheist from Texas private messages me and asks for advice on how to tell her deeply religious and punitive parents that she no longer believes. The threat of being thrown out on the street looming over her, she tells me she’s in tears because she can’t keep faking it for youth group, and church 3 times per week, and Bible camp and purity balls and so on and so forth. It’s just too much, she said. Her whole life is Jesus, she tells me. She can’t take it anymore and it’s driving her to thoughts she never thought she’d ever have. Thoughts of self-harm. Thoughts of suicide.

A few hours later, and I think we might have a good plan. I hope she’s a bit more stable and confident in who she is. I tell her to keep me posted and I suddenly remember, I was pretty exhausted with all of this earlier. I was ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to walk out on this girl and all the other atheists who hide, lurking on my social media spaces, and on my blog. Atheists who are unsure of themselves, worried about personal relationships suffering from their lack of belief. Atheists who are concerned about their children and worried about being found out. Atheists who need a voice; who need a laugh; who need to feel a part of something.

I was so tired and exasperated and worn down, and then sweet little Miss Texas came along and reminded me why I do this.

I do this for you. I love you guys. Have a fucking awesome weekend.

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