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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

Atheist Life Hacks: How To Call Out The B.S. of Islam Unapologetically

So there I was, stealing one precious minute to myself in the laundry room as I waited for my washing machine to finish. The fresh scent of Purex, Bleach and Bounce sheets swirling around my head, I hopped up on the counter, pulled out my phone and tapped open Reddit. What’s going on in the world? I thought. I was front pagin’ it on this particular occasion because I didn’t have the time to go deep into any one subreddit, and as I scrolled through the cream of the crop, I came across one post in particular:

“Where Islam creeps into power, liberties fail.” It read.

Being the voraciously outspoken heathen that I am, naturally, I clicked on it.

Where I ended up was on an article about an Indonesian couple who had been arrested for posting a picture of themselves locking lips. Obviously, the couple was in love or well on their way to it, and, like most couples freshly in love, they just wanted to tell the world about it. You know that feeling… that delightfully sick feeling in the pit of your stomach; that little vortex of adrenaline and oxytocin and endorphins making your body hair stand on end. It’s like you’re living in some kind of electrically charged soup and everything is brighter, happier, lovelier and more intense. As people try to have conversations with you, you just retreat into your mind, your eyes glazed over, adrift in a real-life dream starring the love of your life. You sigh a lot. You grin a lot. You say his (or her) name a lot.

If you’re living in 2016, you probably also take and post a lot of pictures. When we are deeply happy, we have a compulsion to share. That’s all this Indonesian couple did. They snapped a photo of their kiss, posted it to Facebook, and were promptly arrested.

The catch, of course, is that the couple is gay.


OMG! Look out for gay!

Now, Indonesia isn’t all Islamic. There are spots in the gorgeous country that are majority Hindus and Buddhists. When I visited Bali, the people around me all seemed to be Hindu for the most part, with some Buddhists. I did not meet anyone who identified as Muslim while I was there. Despite the fact I had some problems during my visit, I loved the country; I loved the people and I’d go back in a heartbeat. Perhaps at a risk to my own well being, now that I am Godless Mom, but I digress…

There is, however, a huge population of Muslims in Indonesia. In fact, over 80% of all Indonesians consider themselves a reverent member of the Islamic faith. So, when a gay Indonesian couple kisses on Facebook, the Prophet Muhammad has clearly been personally assaulted. He and his magic donkey stop in the middle of their game of celestial horseshoes, look down from space and a single tear rolls down Momo’s cheek. Something had to be done. After the photo was posted, throngs of Indonesian Muslims cried to the authorities, and the strong Islamic arm of the law came crashing down hard on the lovesick couple. Those Allah-lovin’ cops wasted no time. They stopped what they were doing:

Indonesian Cops

And threw the book at these vile kissers. Not the Quran, because that would be blasphemy, but probably like Huck Finn or some infidel literature like that. Just threw it right at them.

If you hang around here a lot, you know I like love. I am a fan of it. I am all for lips landing on every inch of skin on your SO’s body.  I think tonguesploration is as vital as good nutrition and daily activity. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, polyamourous or a bearkin. You get those tongues out, and you get them out on the regular, soldier.

So, I was a little perturbed at the idea that someone had been arrested for licking their lover’s lips. Perturbed enough to share the link on the Twittertubes.

It needs to be noted though before we get into what happened after I shared this link, that I spotted the following comment on this story on Reddit:


How toe-curlingly clever, asshole.

You see what he did there? He replaced Islam with religion. That’s what he did. I’d like to say I was surprised, but just before I read this, I’d said to myself, “Self! How much do you wanna bet some asshole commented, ‘Where religion creeps into power’ followed with the righteous smack of a ‘FTFY’? I’m gonna put ten bucks on yes, please, self!”, and there it was in all it’s apologetic glory. I paid myself ten bucks and shared the link to Tweetertown. But not before wagering once again, that some giant vagina on Twitter would say the exact same thing.

Within an hour, I was out another ten bucks (and won another ten bucks!) when I got this tweet in response:

@godless_mom @SpagFlying Where RELIGION creeps into power, liberties fall. There fixed it for ya. — Somnologist (@Somnonaut) October 18, 2016

Like fine-tuned Swiss clockwork, ladies and scrotes.

Let’s just take a minute and have some fun with this, shall we? Let’s set up the exact same situation, with different subject matter:

Tweet: I hope they catch this crazed murderer on the loose!

Response: I hope they catch all murderers. FTFY!

Tweet: My local Member of Parliament is a liar!

Butthead response: All politicians are dishonest! FTFY!

Tweet: Having your house broken into is awful!

Vapid reaction-fart: All crime is awful! FTFY!

Tweet: Lung cancer sucks!

Turd-swirling garbage tweet: All cancer sucks! FTFY!

I hope this exercise in the absurd illustrates why the initial response is as helpful as a third nut, but just in case it doesn’t, let’s unpack this shit, alright?

The story I shared was about Islam. It took place, as we have covered, in a country that is overwhelmingly Muslim. The story mentions no other religions, and so while it is absolutely valid to say all religion leads to a loss of liberties when in power, you should expect that in response to a story about Islam, the conversation will center around Islam’s anti-liberty qualities. This doesn’t mean we only see these qualities in Islam. It doesn’t mean we think Christianity is all blowjobs and beer. It just means that we are discussing the specifics of this story.

In response to a similar clarification, I got:

@hannibaltraven @godless_mom Actually, it is akin to complaining about "Fords" when writing about Climate change. — Somnologist (@Somnonaut) October 18, 2016

Which is an awful false equivalency. A more apt comparison would have been:

“It’s like complaining about Fords in response to an article specifically about Ford’s horrible carbon footprint.”

Which I, and I really hope you, think is a totally valid thing to write about. If Ford Motor Company was reported to have a devastating impact on the environment, complaining about Ford in response to the report about Ford, without bringing in all the other causes of climate change, is reasonable, valid and even expected. It doesn’t mean people don’t see other causes of climate change, it’s just that the subject at hand is Ford in particular.

You and I both know this sort of attitude comes from one thing, and one thing only:


Or at least, the intense fear of being called an Islamophobe. And sho’ nuff, just a few mins later, we got:

@godless_mom Maybe because it sounds "Islamaphobic," and we shud be RELIGOPHOBIC not just one type. It does not matter the type. — Somnologist (@Somnonaut) October 18, 2016

I write, day in and day out, about the things I loathe in Christianity. I never get this response. I never get, “Maybe because it sounds Christophobic”. No, Islam needs special protection, according to these apologist types.

Whatever I dish out to Christianity, I can happily dish out to Islam, guilt-free. No, I don’t need to mention all religions every time I take issue with one of them. In fact, I don’t need to mention anything the fuck at all anyone tells me to. That’s the beauty of personal autonomy, freedom of thought and freedom of speech. And just like I have the right to bug out on Islam once amongst a hundred rants about Christianity, you have the right to get the fuck off my feed if you don’t like it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish my fucking laundry.

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