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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

Religous Freedom Means All Heil The Religious Reich #BoycottIndiana

Frank Turek, Ladies and Baritones… Frank wants to see all gay people just as miserable and lonely as he is. He wants to bully them back into the closet so he’s not alone in there. The man who reminds me of Joseph Goebbels just wants to shout abruptly, “No vows for you!” repeatedly and glittering with spittle, until the day he realizes he too, wants to marry a boner.

Frank, and bless his heart for this, has asserted that same-sex marriage is a religion.

A religion.

Now, I don’t know about you, but Mama here has nothing against the idea of praying to a throbbing man-wand, but we all know this man has been built of straw.

Same-sex marriage (SSM) is the new official religion, which means it must be a religion of the sword.

Oh My Dawkins, did Frank just crack a cock joke? *Gasp* What would Jesus think? You know, if he weren’t dead.

If you’ll pardon me a moment, Goebbels, I have to check the definition of “religion” because I don’t recall it having any reference to where you stick your schnitzel.

Religion: an organized system of beliefs, ceremonies, and rules used to worship a god or a group of gods

Just as I thought, Herr Hates-a-lot, religion all but requires irrational belief in irrational things for which there is no evidence. It’s got nothing to do with how you use your ramburglar, although Pope Frankie and his poke patrol might have you thinking otherwise.

Why, then, mein kleines Arschloch, do you think same-sex marriage is a religion?

Exhibit A: the controversy in Indiana. A determined and vocal minority from the religion of SSM is bullying and cutting down traditionalists who need a law that would allow them to be left alone.

Allows them to be left alone? The discriminatory factor in the Indiana and Arkansas legislation is that businesses can now use religious freedom as a reason to refuse the business of those about to marry their same-sex partner.

If what the religious right is truly concerned about is being left alone, I have a life hack for ya: don’t open a business. That’s like, the least effective way of seeking alone time.

the two views are hardly parallel. One requires compulsion, the other doesn’t. One side says, “everyone must celebrate my same-sex marriage” (a moral claim). The other side says, “God or my conscience prevents me from doing so” (also a moral claim).

Mein gott (#NoHoly), if being paid to bake a cake is being forced to “celebrate same-sex marriage” then I guess being paid to install wifi at a Megachurch is being forced to accept Jesus as your one and only manlove.

Can anyone see any middle ground here? There is none.

There certainly is. If you don’t want to bake a cake for all the citizens of your state, don’t open a shop in which you bake cakes. If you’re so furiously hateful, that you can’t mix some fucking flour and eggs together for a fellow human being and accept money to do so, perhaps bringing cheer with sugary pastries is not your calling. I would suggest seeking a career as a bomb builder or an executioner or perhaps one of those poor, drunk fuckers that scrapes the remains of beloved pets off the freeway. Any one of those careers might satiate your bloodlust.

I can only imagine the way your bakery must be run, all the pretty little apprentices – not-a-one of them gay – lined up for fingernail inspection every morning, which ends with a salute, a click of the heels and a “Lassen Sie uns Kuchen backen, mein Oberbäcker!”

Who would want one of your joyless cakes, anyway?

Governors in Indiana, Arkansas and several other states see the need to protect religious liberty for a very good reason — it is under attack.

Nein, honey, what is under attack is the ability to discriminate based on your religious beliefs. It’s really very simple. You have the freedom to be a Christian. You have the freedom to practice your Christianity in your own home and in your churches. You have the freedom to pray and to go knocking on people’s doors asking to talk about Jesus. You have the right to hand out literature about your God on a street corner and indoctrinate your kids leaving them with little choice of their own. You have the freedom to celebrate your holidays and take the day off work to observe them. You have the freedom to build tax-exempt buildings in which to worship your “loving” God.

What you shouldn’t have, is the freedom to discriminate against those who do not share your views in public places.

A bakery, meine kleine Mutter, is a public space. Kinda sorta, just a bit like the lunch counters in the 60s were. According to the law, any place in which you invite the public in to engage in commerce is rendered a public or semi-public space.

The scales have tipped decidedly against the free exercise of traditional religion — against the right of Christians, Muslims, Jews and anyone else who can’t celebrate the new established orthodoxy.

I’m gonna paste something here for you, Frank. It’s from the Quran.

Fight those who believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by Allah and His Messenger, nor acknowledge the religion of Truth, (even if they are) of the People of the Book, until they pay the Jizya with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued.”

This passage calls for violence against the “People of the Book”, which refers to Christians and Jews. Should we expect then, Frank, that you wholeheartedly support a Muslim’s freedom to practice his religion, word for word right out of his holy book? You’re okay with a Muslim bakery owner in Indiana or Arkansas turning violent against Christians and Jews who enter his store? Do you at least recognize that his religion has given him justification to turn their business away? You’re comfortable with this?

Forget tolerance. This is well beyond tolerance. Now, if you don’t agree to celebrate same sex marriage, the established religion will commence an inquisition and, without a trial, punish you for heresy.

As adorable as this is, Frank, you and I both know, no self-respecting gay man or woman would want you or any of your ilk in attendance at the celebration of their wedding vows. I see how you might be confused though, Frank, I really do. Requesting a cake be baked in a bakery which is open to the public to do just that, in exchange for money, sure is an awful lot like getting a fucking invitation in the mail.

Except not at all.

You fucking moron.

A few years ago Cisco and Bank of America fired me as a training consultant because I had Christian beliefs about sex and marriage even though my beliefs were never expressed on the job. When a homosexual manager at Cisco found out on the Internet that I had authored a book giving evidence that maintaining the natural definition of marriage would be best for society, he couldn’t tolerate me and demanded that I be fired. An HR executive canned me within hours without ever speaking to me.

Oh, I get it now. This is personal. Kinda like if a Rabbi tickled Goebbels giblets, someone made Frankie cry one day and fuck if he’ll let us forget it.

Frank, publicly representing views that might harm the reputation of the company you're employed by is probably near the best reason to fire someone, after shit job performance. Another great reason is being a destructive force against morale in the workplace. If some of your co-workers or superiors are gay, and you’re expressing anti-gay rhetoric in public, well, it should come as no surprise to you that office morale might be a casualty. Any good manager, gay or not, can see this.

I’ll explain it to you in a way you might understand. Back in your past life as Joseph Goebbels, you served Hitler to the best of your ability. Now imagine if you’d posted on der bloggen, that you loved Jewish traditional food like bagels and latkes. The Führer would surely have lost his strudel.

those of us who have a different view are being excluded, and even fired and fined because we won’t violate our beliefs to satisfy the overbearing clergy of the religion of sex.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

Wait, what? Did you say “the religion of sex”? You can’t possibly be talking about what I think you’re talking about, can you? Are you… are you talking about… Christianity? Let’s take a look at the facts, shall we?

Add to that list the fact that you pulpit-petters can’t stop talking about gay sex, or scrutinizing when, how and where everyone else gets to git down, and it paints a pretty clear picture of which religion is the religion of sex. We all know, the answer to What Would Jesus Do? Is “find the nearest wet hole and stick’ ‘er in.” Perhaps a better way to phrase it is, Who Wouldn’t Jesus do?

Should a Muslim caterer be forced to do a same sex wedding? Should a Muslim T-shirt maker be forced to print gay pride T-shirts or those that satirize Mohammad?

Should a Muslim be forced to serve infidels? Should a Jew be forced to serve the uncircumcised? Should a Hindu be forced to serve beef eaters? Should a Scientologist be forced to serve psychologists?

In Indiana, they now have the government’s support in saying no. The funny thing is, though, that none of them are. No Muslims are turning away business based on their deeply held religious beliefs. No Jews are, no Hindus are, and no Scientologists are that I’ve been made aware of.

Refusal to serve hard-working, tax-paying American citizens has only been done by members of the religion of sex itself, Christianity.

Perhaps it’s because everyone else sees paying customers as a way to keep their business out of the red. Maybe it’s because turning away any business at all feels almost like tempting fate. Perhaps it’s because they realize that making the choice to open a business and serve the public, is not “being forced.”

If you open a business in a free country, I guess you have to deal with whoever walks through your doors.

As they say, you’ve made your bed, now lie in it.

No, no Frankie, you can lie on your back. Put your arsch away. Atta boy.

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