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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

Merry Christmas! You’re Going To Burn In Hell!

Righteous, evangelical theists all seem to suffer from an acute lack of self-awareness. In the very same breath they assure you of your own eternal torture, they’ll tell you they are capable of more joy and more love than you could ever wrap your mind around. In the same sentence they assure you that you’re immoral, they will promise they live in pure joy. They literally cannot see how one cancels out the other.

Burn in Hell!

Here’s one such fella, Chuck O’Neal, who takes issue with us heathens celebrating Christmas. He says (in one extremely long, run-on),

I sincerely wish you a merry Christmas! However, true Christmas spirit and love necessitates that you be warned, in your non-Christian celebration of Christmas (whether you call it a Human Light celebration, Winter Solstice celebration, a generic Happy Holiday celebration, or admit that it’s really Christmas everyone is celebrating) you’ve stolen a drop of merriment from an ocean of eternal joy that only awaits believers who are made truly and eternally merry through repentance of sin and faith in Jesus Christ.

An ocean of eternal joy. Joy that demands we see ourselves as broken. Joy that demands we beg forgiveness for how we were born. Joy that demands we warn people who don’t share our joy that our joy is the only joy that will save you from flesh-melting, eternal fire.

Oh, Chucky. You and I have very different meanings of joy.

As a Christ rejecting, unbeliever the joy you experience at Christmas doesn’t belong to you, it is stolen…

I have never rejected Christ. It’s very difficult to reject something that is not there. Rather, I live my life unable to believe he was ever really anything beyond an evolved, charitable beast… if he ever existed at all.

As for my Christmas joy being stolen, if mine is, every Christian’s joy must be stolen, too. Christmas was originally a pagan holiday celebrating Saturn. Your decorated tree is pagan. Your little gift-giving ritual is pagan. Your wreaths are pagan. Your feasts are pagan. Gingerbread, stockings, holly and mistletoe are all pagan. Heck, even those silly little crackers you pop open at the dinner table to reveal a little paper crown are pagan. You stole the holiday, slapped Christ’s name on it and now you think everyone who doesn’t cry for the baby Jesus in Church every Christmas eve is stealing your so-called “joy”.

But seeing as I celebrate all the pagan rituals and none of the Christian ones, it would seem you’ve stolen more joy than I, Chucko.

but it is a witness to you, a natural revelation of God’s amazing grace and love extended to sinners.

Chuckster, if you want a heathen to have any clue as to what you’re going on about, you’re going to have to do a helluva lot better than Deepak-esque deepity-doo bibble babble word salad, there, Candy Cane.

Hear me out before you resort to a characteristic, “Bah, humbug!”

Characteristic? Oh boy, my little stocking stuffer, that joy of yours is sure coming through.

I don’t know who told you that atheists are grumpy old Scrooges when it comes to Christmas, but honey, while I was baking sugar cookies with my babies in Santa hats, you were writing up a post about how all atheists are scrooges when it comes to Christmas. Which of us is really the scrooge?

What is the state of those who deny their Creator, suppress the truth of God, and reject the love of God in Jesus? Outside of Christ the eternal ocean of God’s burning wrath is rising up in a great wave to swallow rebel sinners forever. The Bible calls it the Lake of Fire. You may work hard to suppress this reality, yet you know it to be true. All of creation and your own God given conscience speak to you of your Creator and your accountability for your sin.

Oh, Chucky, you shouldn’t have! You damned me to hell for Christmas! The Christmas joy is just radiating from you like a… well… like a lake of fire.

You see, jingle bell, in my version of Christmas, we don’t think about people burning for eternity for finite, temporal crimes. In our house, we think that’s the precise opposite to joy. To us, torturing human beings is not in line with the Christmas spirit. It kinda puts a damper on the whole shebang, you know? No, in our home, Christmas is a torture-free event. The very last thing we would associate with joy, whether it be Christmas joy or otherwise, is threatening others with hellfire.

I really think you’ve got this joy thing mixed up, there, shortbread.

Friend, repent of your stolen Christmas merriment,

You first, Frosty.

your fleeting joy in a life of unbelieving rebellion against the God you know.

Chuck, if an atheist is someone who denies a god we know is there, then what do you call someone who doesn’t believe in god? Whatever it is, that’s what I am.

Believe upon Jesus Christ: born of the virgin; fully God; fully Man; yet without sin; crucified for sinners; suffering the eternal wrath of God that their sins deserve; paying their debt in full; dying upon the cross; resurrecting on the third day; conquering sin, Satan, and death on behalf of all those for whom He died;

Sure thing, Christmas cracker. But first, I need some evidence it’s all true.

Don’t attempt to satisfy your thirst for joy with friends, family, food, material possessions, music, movies, and holiday decor.

You know… you’re not really offering an upside to your religion, Chucky baby. So far, you’ve told us all about your angry god torturing people for eternity, and now you’re trying to tell me that family and friends are not a good enough source of joy. You’re just… you’re just not making a great case for it. To be honest, chestnut, it kinda sounds icky. It kinda sounds like the antithesis to joy.

Your sin taints all of that and your joy is fleeting even on the best of days.

Yeah, Chuck, you’re just not selling me on this joy of yours. You sound quite miserable, to be honest.

How many Christmases do you have left? Fifty, twenty, ten, three, or this could be the very last year you are graciously allowed a stolen drop of Christmas merriment to compel you to believe upon Christ before it is finally and eternally too late.

Of course, my little nutcracker, it was very kind of you to remind me that your cult is a cult of death worship and that you’re just counting down the days until you get to leave your sweaty meat suit, and fly in the sky with Santa.

Oops. I meant God.

Flee to Christ while there is time. Flee to Christ in repentance and faith! Find forgiveness of sin, find peace with God, find joy and merriment now and you will celebrate God’s love to sinners through Christ forever!

You just haven’t really made it seem so much like “love” and “joy” as you have “terror” and “suicidal”. So, while I appreciate the sentiment, my misled fruitcake, I’m going to have to just say, “nah”.

With much love and care for your souls, I again wish you a merry Christmas!

Ya didn’t though, Chuck. You accused us of stealing what was never yours, you told us we’re all scrooges and then you damned us to hell. That’s really not the way wishing people a merry Christmas is supposed to go.

So, while you’re on knees in the pews on Christmas Eve, begging your loving god to save you from eternal hellfire, I’m gonna be sipping hot chocolate with my family, laughing into the night as we reminisce about past Christmases with our bellies full of food I’ve just cooked them all. If your version of Christmas is what joy is supposed to look like, quite frankly, I don’t want it.

Merry Christmas, Chuck. Here’s hoping your frosty “Bah Humbug!” attitude melts away in time for the big day.

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