If You Don’t Believe In God, Why Have You Devoted Your Life To Mocking Him?

Oh, hi! I didn’t see you there. You know, there is not a day that goes by on Instagram that I don’t get asked one specific question multiple times. In fact, I didn’t have one individual instance of this question in mind to respond to when beginning this post – instead, I scrolled through my recent comments and it took me less than a minute to find the latest addition to the ever-flowing stream of this precise question:

In this one, idiotic question, there lies a mountain of problems so vast, it makes the Fyre Festival look like a NASA mission. It’s been phrased a million ways…

“If you don’t believe in god, why do you spend your life mocking him?”

“If you’re so sure god doesn’t exist, why do you devote your life to hating him?”

And on and on and on, until my eyes cross from the sheer, unbridled what-the-fuckery…

I see what they’re getting at, these defenders of the almighty. I mean, don’t think I don’t see their flawed logic. I do. I see that this is a gotcha for them. They think everyone, on some level, must believe in a god and the fact that I hate on him day in and day out is proof I acknowledge his existence. I see this. But Jesus….

Class, stop me if you see the problems here.

First, the phrase, “spend your life” or “devote your life” gives me kidney cramps because their comment is, more often than not, posted on Instagram. Likely, the troll has not bothered to visit my website. He’s probably never spoken to me before; never emailed me to ask for clarification. No, he saw one post that upset his Christian sensibilities, skimmed the rest of my profile for a few seconds and decided – with the power of Jeeby vested in him – that this must be my entire life.

Instagram.

My entire life.

I don’t know about you heretics, but when I post something on Instagram, it takes me but moments. A minute tops. I post about 3-4 posts per day on Instagram. What his-faithfulness is basically saying, is that those 3-4 minutes of my day is sufficient to determine what my entire life looks like. Not presumptuous at all, right? Of course, there’s also the possibility that to my troll-of-the-moment, Instagram is life and so, therefore, it must be for the rest of us. But no, half an hour is the most I ever spend on Instagram on any given day, much to the chagrin of those of you asking me questions in the comments.

But what about your blog, GM? What about Twitter and Facebook? Don’t those take up more time? 

Sure do, Horatio. When I have the time to post to my blog, like today, it’s a couple of hours, tops. I pop in and out of Twitter all day as I write for the other blog I work for, and sorry, Facebookers, but I avoid you like the plague. The amount of time I spend being Godless Mom, I would say, accounts for maybe 5% of my life.

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I’m going to be honest with you, though. I wish it was more. My life – my real life – gets in the way. The life my trolls refuse to acknowledge consists of kids and puppies and kittens and husbands and work and cleaning and laundry, so much laundry. Cooking, baseball, cubs, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, vet appointments, bank appointments, fixing up my house, watching Star Trek reruns with my better half, starting bonfires on the beach with which to make s’mores… That is my life. That post that upset you about your fragile god? A blip… a mere blip on my day-to-day schedule.

So, as far as “devoting my life” to mocking god? I wish. But nah.

Now that we’ve covered that, I’d like to take a minute to talk to you about King Joffrey. He was the vilest king to ever rule the seven kingdoms, I think we can all agree. But, don’t you think with a little red lipstick and long hair, he could pass for Christina Aguilera circa the Genie in a Bottle era?

You gotta rub me the right way… 

Oh, fuck, look at me. I’ve mocked King Joffrey.

But wait, GM, surely you don’t think Joffrey is real?

That’s right, Columbo. Sit on that one and rotate for a little.

I mock your fragile god and I do it all while not believing in him. The same way I mock the idea that standing on your head cures cancer, my neighbour’s claims he travels the astral plane and that lady the other day who told me she made energy balls in her living room with her family to ensure she got the dog she wanted.

I don’t believe in any of that shit, but 9/10 docs agree, it’s all an exceptional source of vitamin LMFAO.

But GM, most of your Instagram posts don’t mock god at all. 

You are correct, Kojack. In fact, the vast majority of my Instagram posts that mock anything at all, are mocking religion, blind faith and bigotry not god. The posts that are critical of something are critical of religious ideas, not your magic space-ruler. I poke holes in your stories, not God’s stories.

So, when someone asks me why I devote my life to mocking a god I don’t believe in I tell them:

1. This is not my life. Believe it or not, I do feed my kids. How else would I plump them up for rib night?

2. One can mock that in which one does not believe. Remember that time you yelled at the TV, “Tara, you fucking idiot, look behind you!” when Rick Grimes was leading the gang through a pack of biters? Yeah, you do.

3. I mock and criticize religion most of the time. Religion exists and is real and is not equivalent to your god.

So, heathens, why do you devote your life to mocking god if you’re so sure he’s not real, huh? Let me know in the comments.

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