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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

Hell is an Outspoken Atheist's DMs

Today, you're going to get a rare glimpse into what my DMs look like day-to-day. Here's your warning, you filthy infidel: this isn't going to be pretty. So, grab your licorice schnapps, some marzipan, and your snuggie, and let's go.

Here's one from a friendly observer of the Hindu religion:

Believer: Ever heard about Hinduism?

Mommy: Yes

Believer: Why don't you follow Hinduism?

Mommy: I don't believe in it.

Believer: Why

Mommy: Never had a reason to

Believer: Hinduism is scientific

Mommy: Great, point me to the evidence in a scientific journal that has been peer-reviewed.

Believer: It's not like Christianity or Islam

Mommy: I know it's not, but I still need evidence to believe something that could change how I function in life. If it's scientific, you should be able to produce peer-reviewed published papers on it.

Believer: I mean rituals and scriptures of Sanatan Dharm are scientific. For example, instead of doing prayers in churches & temples we do meditation. We do yoga. We eat only vegetarian food. And many more things.

Mommy: Yes but you can do yoga and eat vegetarian and meditate without believing in gods.

Believer: Yes that's also right. But when you believe in God you always keep in mind that I should not do anything bad to innocent people because I will also get it back

Mommy: So you're saying the only reason you don't do bad things is because of god? And you think that makes you sound good? I refrain from doing bad things just because it's the right thing to do and not because I am afraid of a god.

Believer: If you can everything good then it's good for you. But you should thank God for giving you this body. And the resources

Mommy: I don't believe in god.

And around and around and around we go... It's not clear to me if believers think I should fake belief in a god to experience the benefits they assure me are inevitable. Maybe they think I can just flip belief on like a switch? I don't know. I have no idea how this religion crud works.

Here's a nice little note I got from a friendly Christian on Insta with the confederate flag in their avi, just showing the love:

I don't know about you guys, but I, for one, am convinced! Off to church with my sorry ass!

Here's another one, just to drive home that Christianity is all about love:

Yes, that's precisely my stance: I know and accept that Hell exists. I am fully aware that the way I am raising my kids will land them in the Lake of Fire. I'm just doing it anyway because I'm just a shit mom.

Here's a well-meaning Christian:

Believer: Let's just say ur right and there is no god and blah blah blah. And u live ur life and die in a short amount of time, did everything u wanted to do and live the way u wanted for that short amount of time. Now, would it all really b worth it IF there was such a thing? And to burn in hell for eternity? Longer then any life u could imagine? And the fact u would chance that for ur kids as well? I'm just saying, atheists think that the world just happened, the colors, just happened, and how complicated the human body and mind and world works, that it could just happen out of the blue and b created from an atom. This idea is ludacris. Look at a textbook. Did all the words write themselves? Did the colors just appear on the pages? No, they were designed by an intelligent being. Now, a book compared to the world, u really think the WORLD and galaxy could have created itself with no intelligent being, knowing how perfectly made people and the animals live and work? I dont think so.

Mommy: You might consider asking an atheist what they think before you tell them. It's more kind and generous and honest - things us atheists get from our morality. As far as Pascal's wager goes, how do you know you have the right god? What if you're wrong and you end up in the hell of another religion? You make the same wager I do. Further, if there did end up being a god who punished people for eternity for not believing in him, what sort of person would worship an asshole god like that?

If I had a dollar for every time someone messaged me with Pascal's Wager, I'd be able to buy Hell and turn it into a ramen joint with all the toppings a dark lord could conjure. And I could hire Ludacris to show you to your table.

Another day, another believer who doesn't understand what "godless" means:

Believer: Hello? What do you believe about Jesus? Like did He exist, and what was He like?

Mommy: No idea.

Believer: I know this will be a stupid question but do you think God exists?

Mommy: No, I don't.

Believer: Why? Do you have like a particular argument against His existence? Is it the Problem of evil?

Mommy: No, I just have never seen evidence of his existence that has convinced me.

Do you believe in unicorns?

Believer: I think their existence is improbable, using Bayesian logic, their probability is not absolutely zero, maybe like 0.1 percent but not entirely zero.

Mommy: So you don’t believe in them?

Believer: No, I don’t.

Mommy: That’s how I feel about your god

And now, it's time for the thirsty old man parade:

I like that he gave me a slushie option. I really like that. Pretty sure hubs would like that, too.

Am I in Tanzania?

Call me Mumu, guys. I am Mumu.

This parched mf: if you ever flip out and decide to come south and seduce me, bring that pale lipstick. 😍

Mommy: I'm married.

This parched mf: Lol I’m married too! But if something like that happened I’d figure it was an act of god & I would go along. For something as awesome as being seduced by you I would even get religion 😊


This parched mf: if you ever do come to swoop me away, I’ll definitely get in an argument with you! I like the way you win them.

What does that even mean? "I like the way you win them"? With facts and logic? Clumsy analogies and memes? Jokes and titties? What does it mean?

So, hey, godless lovelies, if you want to bring some good to my inbox, you could buy one of my shirts. Click here to browse. Also, I would love to know about some of your weirdest DMs. Share your stories in the comments.

If you like what I do here and want to support my work, you can chip in here or become a member here.


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