No, I am not an American single mom teaching her kids to hate god and set churches on fire. I'll give you a minute to contain your shock and wipe the drool off your chin. Today, we're going to tackle some of the most common misconceptions people have about me because, quite frankly, I'm sick to flippin' death of hearing them. Strap in, ball-grabbers. Let's do this.
I am an American.
I get this most on Twitter. This has been how my Twitter profile has looked for at least three years:
Can you spot the problem?
How about if I show you how my name shows up in each tweet I send out into the ether:
Do you see it? Do you see the blaring issue with assuming I'm American?
My favourite comment is when I criticize something about the USA and Americans come at me at the speed freedom with "Why don't you leave if you don't like it?" and my go-to response is always, "Where do you suggest I go? I hear Canada is nice this time of year!"
I hate religious people.
I don't fucking hate religious people, you toddle-whoppers. I feel like a broken fucking record, FFS. I don't like religion. I don't like some of the ideas that religious people have. So, as long as you don't expect me to revere these ideas, I have no problem with you at all. Further, even if you did try to shove your dogma down my throat, I still wouldn't hate you. I don't hate anyone. I mean, maybe the guy at the Japanese joint on Main street who forgot to give me the noodles last time I picked up ramen, but that's really it.
I speak French.
Although it is required for Canadians to take French all through school, they have yet to sort out how to teach it effectively outside of immersion. Ergo, Frère Jacques, I still can't speak it. I can understand some of it, but I just cannot string together the words to save my life. Now, if you were to ask about Spanish, that would be a different answer. Yo hablo español. Mi español es muy malo, pero si necesitas un taxi yo soy tu chica.
I "raise my kids as atheists."
Nu-uh, you coddle-whomp. I don't even know how you could raise someone to lack a belief. If you'll allow me to repeat myself for the seven millionth time, what I actually do is tell my children my position. I explain that this is my position only and that they can choose their own position on the question of god's existence.
I'm a single mom.
I hate to break your heart Don Juan, but I have my very own cuddler who snores next to me every night. He has a luscious beard and a deep love for craft beers, and he loves the Edmonton Oilers. He's a drummer, and he's funny, and we have been together for 15 years. You don't see him in my photos on Instagram because he prefers more privacy than your favourite oversharing mommy.
NUP. My bearded half and I live in sin, so stick that in your rectory and baptize it.
I don't have a job.
False-o-relli, pepper jelly. I am not employed by anyone other than myself, this is true, but I do freelance work. Web design, graphic design, digital marketing and copywriting and I really love it. It doesn't earn me much but it affords me the freedom to be around for my kiddos all day.
I am trying to be edgy.
Jesus on a jet-ski, you guys, the fuck is this? I am in my forties. I spend the vast majority of my time making arguments for why it's not a good idea to pull an all-nighter on Minecraft on a school night. My mind is almost always preoccupied with dinner ideas that will please everyone and not end up being puked up by the dog at 3 am. It is my job to wash a twelve-year-old skate park enthusiast's socks without dropping dead from the fetid rot. I pick out my shoes based on comfort, and jammies are my favourite outfit. Edgy? What the fuck even is edgy? I have been an atheist my entire life. I have not known anything different. Being godless is normal to me and anything but edgy.
I get so many moneys from being GM.
Oh boy, do I wish. I make sweet, elegant bupkus from this. I mean, a few bucks roll in from t-shirt sales and shit, but nothing worth mentioning. I do get offered to do a lot of sponsored stuff, but they all want a sponsored post on my blog and it's always baby products and crap and I just know there's not a single one of you who would appreciate that. So, I turn them down. I rely on your generosity to keep this going. I'm not here to make a buck, but your donations over the years have enabled me to pay for my hosting, domain names and some of the neato bells and whistles I use to keep the GM machine running. If you are interested in chipping in for any of that, you can pop a buck or two in my PayPal, and I will appreciate you forever. You can find that here.
I post selfies with cleavage for attention.
Alright, Dickleberry Sin, let's tackle this once and for all. There is nowhere for me to put my cans when there's a camera pointed at me. What would be your suggestion? Duct tape? Photoshop? Should I Photoshop out my bongos to save your brittle sensibilities? I wear regular women's clothing, nothing too revealing, but honey, when the neck dips, you're gonna peep the Smothers Brothers and there's not much anyone is gonna be able to do about it. It's funny. People complain that I rarely post full-body pics, but as soon as I post a shot that goes lower than my neck, it's all pearl-clutching and sobs because how dare this sinner remind me that women have mammary glands!
Do I want attention? I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. But here's the thing: I didn't always like how I looked. I do now. I feel awkward taking and sharing selfies still and it took me a year of having my GM social spaces before I ever did, but it feels really good to like what I see when I do. Especially when I'm working so hard to get into better shape (2km swim, 4km walk daily). It's also why my selfies often contain goofy faces. I feel weird taking my own photo and that relieves the odd feeling. I told you a million times already, I cope with everything using humour.
In the poetic words of Mr. Joshua Weismann, "alright guys, and that is it." These are the most common misconceptions people seem to have about me and why you're all just wrong!
What are some of the weirdest misconceptions people have about you? Let me know in the comments!