• Courtney Heard

3 Infuriating Jeebot Morons on Feminine Modesty

I was fucking around on Reddit the other day, because, in spite of having piles and piles of more important shit to do, Reddit is a dominating, abusive boyfriend from whom I cannot seem to escape. I just keep going back, like a moth to a flame, to Reddit’s unending, time-sucking abuse. I am Reddit’s willing bitch.

So, while I was on Reddit for my daily flogging, I saw a post about Christian modesty. It took all my willpower not to puke all over my laptop. So, naturally, I researched the topic more. It might sound like Momma’s a masochist, but I swear to you I am not.

During my reading (read as punishment) I had the supreme pleasure of absorbing this pile of utter shit. It quotes a bunch of lent lovers talking about what they refer to as modesty but what can be translated quite easily into straight-up misogyny and boob-bashing.

Because I rarely like to suffer on my own, y’all get to share it with me. Let’s get dirty, shall we?

Godless friends, meet Elisabeth Elliot:

“Although I cannot control what other people wear, especially on the outside world, it seems disrespectful to me to see ladies in church in very short skirts or skimpy, sleeveless tops. I would imagine that it could be distracting to men who are trying to keep their minds on God.”

Oh. Elisabeth. Honey. I don’t know what kind of “men” you’re going to church with, but in the real world, what determines a man – heck, an adult – is the ability to be able to take responsibility for one’s own actions, thoughts, and even distractions. If your congregation is filled with guys who still have wet dreams, you’re probably in a sinister place and you need to call someone for help. Like, now.

God men

So, after Elisabeth sufficiently disgusted me, I headed over to another article that had the points of view of several Christian men. I feel your eyes rolling, but really, you need to bear with me here. It’s not as bad as it may sound. Who the fuck am I kidding, of course it is, but we wouldn’t be atheists if we liked everything wrapped up in a nice neat little bow, now would we?

Guy #1 ventured to say,

I mean, a lot of today’s fashions on women….are well…a bit arousing; and to be fair I am not saying the woman is trying to be a “tease” or is actively trying to put a guy in this situation…but women, you have no idea what your God given body and image does to men.

Oh, but we do. Do you know why we do? Because your bodies do the same to us. Well, those of us who like men. The difference, my tormented fool, is that we can control ourselves, as can most men. When I see some ripped adonis with a french accent and perfect dark hair and green eyes and tattoos and a beard, phew, and he shuffles that perfect ass in front of me, do I see how beautiful it is? Yes. Of course I do. Do I want to touch it? Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, there’s a daydream lurking, about just that very topic. But do I entertain it? No. Why? Because I’m a fucking grown-up. I am married. I have other things to think about other than getting my freak on.

A woman who dresses modestly is not a prude or boring. It means she has CLASS. It means she respects herself, and knows what her body can do to a guy.

Really? Is it really self-respect to be born with a nice rack and cover it up? Or is that shame?

GM note: Most of the time, Godless Mom is sporting skinny jeans, an old concert T, mismatched color-print socks and sneakers. As much as I would love to have the Godless girls busting out of a flattering, girly top every day, doing that with a 5-year-old boy in tow is like telling a Tucson cop to fuck off: you might get a moment of pleasure from it, but eventually that shit’s comin’ back to haunt you. So, while I am defending a woman’s right to wear what the fuck she wants, I rarely do myself.

I’m not suggesting we all walk around with our clams out, but what I am suggesting is that through societal evolution we have grown to consider our bodies vulgar, when in fact, they are not. Nor would they be distracting if we saw them all the time. Momma doesn’t want to see every last man’s cash and prizes, that’s for sure, so there is a part of me that is glad that we don’t just walk around naked all the time. But, that doesn’t make skin vulgar.

The article carries on and quotes another man on the topic of modesty. He says,

I really appreciate modesty. It’s really annoying to have a barely dressed woman pass by or sit next to me on the bus.

Oh, it’s annoying, is it? Poor boy. You know what I find annoying? Paying bills. Taxes. The process of getting your passport. The dentist. Really, I could go on and on. But you know what I do with annoying things? Fucking deal. Why? Same answer as last time, because I am a fucking grown-up. It’s time to put on your big boy underoos and realize that the world is not here to bend and twist to your every whim.

Yet should we speak up, we get called controlling or perverts.

What you’re saying, is that if I found a man’s beard particularly exciting, and I found I was unable to pull myself away from sinful thoughts about said beard, I should have the right to tell him to shave it? In essence, the world should be flexible to my comfort level? Interesting.

It’s not like we can have absolute control over our reactions.

Oh, but you can. If I can focus on writing copy about the fiscal responsibility of NGOs while the sun is shining outside and there is a stunning lake and beach just a few blocks from my house, then you can control your reaction to cleavage.

Can I control myself no matter what a woman’s wearing? Yes.

That’s fucking weird because I could have sworn you just said “It’s not like we have absolute control over our reactions” like literally, the sentence prior to this one. Which is it, Einstein? Can you control yourselves or not?

A few inches of shut the fuck up.
A few inches of shut the fuck up.
Am I comfortable when women are immodest? Absolutely not.

So, we’re back to your god complex; the delusion that makes you think the world gives a shit how comfortable you are, and will change to suit your personal comfortability. You should go talk to some of the 16 million people who are currently starving to death and tell them your theory about being “comfortable.”

Yes they can wear what they like but we pay a price for their choices.

If you’re so overwhelmed by how a woman is dressed to the point that you can’t take your mind off it and you’ve pitched a tent in your trousers, perhaps it’s time to use the muscles in your neck to turn your head. It really is that simple. Look the fuck away.

If you’ve got a mind with the ability to process thought, you’ve probably pieced together by now, that what we’re dealing with here is a pile of spoiled brats. Men who probably grew up with their mom bringing them breakfast in bed every weekend and wiping their asses until they were 17. They have no grasp on the realities of life and they seem to be under the extremely erroneous impression that their dipstick somehow entitles them to more in this world than anyone else.


When I see a barely dressed man, I seem to still be able to function somehow. Ladies and man-loving men, you know when you see a guy, maybe on a beach, whose swim trunks are sagging a little and this man happens to be chiselled, as though a piece of art. You know when you spy that “V” shape around his pelvic region? We can all agree that hot as fuck right? Well, when Godless Mom spots something like that, you know what she does? She thinks, “Dayam” for a split second and then moves on with life. Nothing changes, no one is uncomfortable, I can still think and take care of whatever the hell I’m doing at the time. The world does not come to a screeching halt, I do not find myself uncontrollably yelling vulgar things at that man. I just appreciate a beautiful human for a moment and move on.

You know what? I’d venture to say most people react that way. So, it seems to me, what these Christian men need to do is grow the fuck up and learn how to have both self-respect and respect for women. And for god’s sake (#NoHoly), keep your mouth shut so no more stupid leaks out.

How do you deal with seeing attractive people? Do you think women should cover up? Why or why not?

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