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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

Atheist Life Hacks: How To Get Rid Of Your Nice Jehovah’s Witnesses

Jehovah's witnesses

For some of us, it’s easy. Just open the door with nothing but a sock on your wang and ask the Witnesses if they want to come in and play Ouija, right? This method and similar ones, of course, are highly effective in getting rid of your Witness infestation but what if you’re not comfortable with it? What if you avoid confrontation like the plague?

This is one of the most common questions I get in emails from readers – how do you get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses without a confrontation? A lot of us suffer from social anxiety and would rather just grin and bear it than tell the Witnesses to make like Netflix and get Lost. How do we flush the Jeebies without feeling like we’re being mean or rude?

There are several ways to accomplish this:

1. Post a sign on your property making clear that you do not want any solicitation of any kind, including the religious sort. Heck, make it even clearer and put up a sign that singles out religious proselytizers. Hang a goddamned banner that says “No Flipping Jeebots!”. When they see it, they’ll tuck tail between their legs and find one of your neighbours to damn to hell, instead. Always fun to crack a beer and watch from a window if they do.

2. Call your local Kingdom Hall. Tell them your address and tell them you don’t want witnesses showing up at your door anymore. Miracle of miracles, those Kingdom cross-lickers always listen. The next knock you hear could be a Hari Krishna, a guy in magic underwear or the UPS dude delivering your new Slap Chop but it sure as hell ain’t gonna be a witness.

3. Get a scary dog. Leave said scary dog somewhere visible to door knockers. You know the sort of dog I’m talking about. The sort that snarls and barks so viciously at every passer-by that the ropes of drool flinging from his jowls get caught on the street lights? The sort that really is a big suck once mom or dad tells him it’s okay, but who will put the fear of all 5000 gods into any living creature until then? There is not one god’s love worth facing that and your witnesses are going run home to pray faster than you can say “god works in mysterious ways”. Of course, this method could prevent your new Slap Chop from being delivered but lovable nuts are worth sacrificing if it means you get to keep your soul.

These three methods are all pretty effective, but I haven’t yet mentioned the best one. The one you’re afraid of. The one you should consider first. Here it is:

Remind yourself that the people coming to your door are doing so with full knowledge of the fact that most people don’t appreciate it. They are invading your privacy, repeatedly, without being invited. No matter how kind their smiles are and no matter how nice they may seem to be, the fact that they have no respect for your basic privacy nor for your time, means they are the ones who have initiated any confrontation that may arise from it. Do not let yourself be fooled into thinking they “seem nice”. It’s an act. If they are true believers, deep inside, they either fear you or are disgusted by your godless lifestyle. There are no friendships being made here. So, unless you enjoy discussing religion with them, be honest. There is no reason to feel guilt or discomfort telling grown people who have invaded your space that you’d rather they not.

The thing is, they will hear you. These people aren’t just knocking on your door. They probably get told to fuck off a dozen times a day. In fact, they probably expect it. It’s just a normal day to them. Your polite request, “If you don’t mind, I’d rather you not come knocking at my door any longer. I’m an atheist. Thanks!”, will stand out as one the more kind ways they’ve been let down.

In that exchange, you come out smelling like roses, and they’ll just saunter off to the next lost soul and harass them without giving you a second thought.

If you like what I do here and want to support my work, you can chip in here or become a member here.

How do you get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses? Let me know in the comments!


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