Satan & Sodomy: Don’t Fall Into a Burning Ring Of Fire

Ass. Tuckus. Badonkadonk. Back door. Can. Tush. Booty. Call it what you want, but we all know what it really is: Satan’s lasso. Stick your wick in, and it’s straight to hellfire with you.

At least, that’s what John Piper says.

Behind all the relational descriptions of so-called same-sex marriage is the unspoken fact of anal or oral copulation,

Mr. Piper, you do know, donuts can be punched before marriage, right? You’re aware that a marriage contract is not required to hit fifth base? Surely you were not under the impression that same-sex marriage bans would actually stop the express train to brown town? As a clever man – and I use that term loosely – you’re probably also knowledgeable of the fact that heterosexual partners can, and often do, plow the backfield as well?

What destroys people is not same-sex attraction, but the lie that same-sex copulation is delightful, and not deadly.

Just what, exactly, makes you think docking the submarine is deadly, Mr. Piper? Being as most homosexual men frequently engage in this act, married or not, and about a quarter of all hetero couples admit to doing it as well, it’s quite curious why hundreds of people are not just dropping dead on the street on a daily basis. I mean, if entering door number two is deadly, I picture a world in which I could not walk down the street without seeing people drop like flies. “Another one, downed by the deadly ring of fire,” we’d all lament as we continued walking.

That’s not the world I live in, though, Pipes. In fact, all the men I have known in same-sex relationships seem to be the healthiest, most well-kept, happiest people I know. To some degree, the boloney colonic seems to be a great health benefit from that perspective, so I have to wonder… who told you cornholing was deadly?

the Bible says that you should “abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul” (1 Peter 2:11)

I should have known. Of course, it’s the Bible. And of course, this verse means “anal sex” when it says “the passions of the flesh”. Of course it does… Or maybe you caught yourself daydreaming about your little soldier cosplaying as the Oscar Meyer Wiener and were horrified that he stood attention. Maybe you’re just terrified of your own desires to slip and slide, and so you reach and stretch the words in your holy book to suit your own fears. Maybe you, yourself, are an ass man, Mr. Piper. That’s how it appears to me anyway. You have the stinky kink and it scares you.

All unforgiven and unforsaken sin is deadly in this sense. It leads to the second death. “As for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death” (Revelation 21:8).

So, because your book, the validity of which cannot be demonstrated, invokes the image of hellfire, for which there is no evidence, for sexual immorality, then anal sex is “deadly”? Of course, only in the sense that it leads to a second death for which, again, there is no evidence. To avoid this second death, which many of us do not believe in, you’re suggesting we all follow your interpretation of the word of god, which many of us do not believe is true?

To break it down even further: no ass play because you say so.

You’re suggesting that we take your word for it and behave against our nature and our desires during the one life we can prove. All this, so we can cash in during the next life, which we can’t prove, and if you’re wrong there are no takesies-backsies. We can’t come back to this life and poke holes in sourdough; we can’t come back to this life and be true to who we are.

Just trust you, though, right? You have this book that your Mom and Dad and church leaders told you was the word of God. You just gotta have faith.

Pipes, in the span of one blog post, you’ve become the one person who talks the most about anal sex I’ve ever come across and that’s including my old buddy, Geoff, the chef and self-proclaimed “bun-splitter” who's mind is on ass and ass is always on his mind. You’ve outdone him, all under the guise of being against poop-chuting.

Right. Just continue to sit behind your giant wall of denial, there Piper, but please know, that the more you talk about the pleasures of the heinie, the more we see how much you want a man to ramalam your ding dong.

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#humour #lgbt #marriage #sex