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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

Jesus Has A Boyfriend!

I think the last person on Earth any of us would have expected to find coveting thy neighbour’s backdoor is Jesus. I mean, his followers spew hatred for gay folks on the daily. They vote against same-sex marriage, they protest with hatey signs at Pride, they refuse to provide the floral arrangements for same-sex weddings and they even refuse to treat the newborn children of same-sex couples. I mean really, who could have guessed Jesus really loves everyone?

Well, Preston Sprinkle over at Patheos has been led to wonder that very thing.

Preston's Sprinkles

Preston’s Sprinkles

Mr. Sprinkle posted a piece entitled, Is Jesus My Boyfriend? recently.

*clears throat*

GM Aside: I really wish I could say that I made this up. I really do. I mean, this is close to the most perfect bit of satire I’ve ever read in just four words. It’s brilliant, to the point, hilarious and shocking. If it were mine, I would frame it, stick it on my wall and pray to it 6 times a day. However, I cannot claim to be the author of such sheer brilliance. This is the work of a man named Sparkle, and I bow my head to his glitteriness.

So, I guess Sprinkle was putting along in traffic one day on his way to work, belting out the lyrics to the latest in Gospel kickassery, when he actually began to hear what he was saying… and it sounded – Lord, have mercy – as though he was romancing the Jeebone.

Naturally, as any totally secure heterosexual Christian man would do, he wondered, “So, is like, Jeeby my bae?”

Is Jesus our cosmic boyfriend? These are all lyrics from actual worship songs, but they also give me some good material to romance my wife. Is this okay? Is our love for God an amped up version of the romantic love we have for our significant others?

I told you. I know I can summon up a chuckle or two in you folk, but I could never be this crafty. I could never make this up.

What ensues, in this crack-up of a blog post, is Mr. Sparkle’s insistence, that no, no in fact Jesus is not our boyfriend and we are not engaging in one big gangbang of polyamoury. Mr. Sparkle, and Jeeby himself, are not in love, and each has a profound attraction to the pink eye, and not the brown.

He even bolds,

We don’t fall in love with God.

Just to make sure we’re sure that he’s sure that he deffo does not fantasize about plugging Jeeby’s donut hole.

It kind of reminds me of grade 5 when Mike Harrington would punch me from his desk directly behind mine. At recess I’d get him back by by stealing his hat and calling him an ugly butthole. After months of this, my friend Shannon grabbed the tetherball in the middle of our game against Mike and his friend which had seen a few elbows exchanged between he and I, and pronounced, “You guys are so in love!” Mike and I looked at each other, clearly forcing back smirks and said, in perfect unison, “Ewwww!”

I think Sparkles here is just pretending he’s afraid of the cosmic cooties. I think he wants a piece of saviour pie complete with cream on top. It’s simply not Godly though, to lay in bed with your wife and imagine pulling the stretch and yawn move on Jebus at the 50 Shades late show. So, he insists, Jeeboner is not his boyfriend. They are simply in bondage to the cross together.

Despite the popularity of the phrase, the Bible never talks about us “falling in love with God,” and I would recommend not using the phrase. I know it’s popular. In fact, I sometimes slip up and say the phrase, since it’s so familiar. But the modern phrase “falling in love with” does not capture what the Bible means when it talks about loving God.

I know what you’re thinking, you dirty heathens. I know you’re thinking, “slip up? Yeah right!” Why can’t you just take the man’s word for it? Why can’t you take it at face value so we can keep this insane train rolling? Really, you blasphemous heretics…

Sparkle Motion

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!!

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