Atheist Life Hacks: How To Get Drunk At Chuck E. Cheese’s

I’ve written about my friend Ashleigh, the child actor, before. Growing up, she didn’t have much of a childhood, as she spent it working on movies and TV shows. She didn’t go to school, she didn’t stay in the same place, and she was always on set or on the road when her birthday rolled around. She confided in me, she’d never had a birthday party.

“They never even threw you one on set?” I had asked her, completely incredulous.

She told me they’d buy her a cake and some gifts, but then it was straight back to work. There was never a party, she assured me.

This had to be rectified. I mean, no one should have to grow up without ever having a proper kid’s birthday party, am I right? So, after some brainstorming with friends, we came up with a plan.

I got on the phone with Chuck E. Cheese’s to book the party, and they told me we could not book it for an adult. No problem, Godless Dad has two daughters. I booked the party for one of them. Of course, that meant we had to bring them along, which would significantly lower the debauchery factor. Nonetheless, it had to be done.

Next, I booked a limousine. We had to have a safe way to get there and back, especially if some of the adult attendees lived up to their reputations and smuggled in some booze. The limousine was the perfect solution.

I kept all of this a secret from Ashleigh, and on the day of her birthday, I handed her a gift. She opened a pair of red patent leather Chuck Taylor high tops and nearly cried at their sheer beauty. I told her to get ready for a night out, we had places to go.

Ashleigh always took a long time to get ready, but eventually she did, sporting her new Chucks and low-cut top that showed off her amazing Triple-D rack. When we stepped outside, Ashleigh’s face lit up at the sight of the limo and she hopped in with no hesitation. Of course, the bar had been well stocked by our friends already, and we wasted no time making a couple of drinks.

When we stopped to pick up the kids, Ashleigh’s face twisted.

“Are they allowed to go where we’re going?” She asked.

I assured her, they were all part of the plan. We bought them sparkling apple juice so they could join in on the celebrations. We rode in the gaudy 80’s style limousine, sipping our drinks and laughing all the way to Chuck E. Cheese’s.

As we pulled into the parking lot at Chuck E. Cheese’s, one of the kids accidentally let it slip that we were going to Chuck E. Cheese’s and Ashleigh lost it. She was laughing and crying at the same time as she opened the limo door and stepped out. She threw her arms around me and thanked me for her “first ever 8th birthday party!”.

8 twenty-somethings and two little girls made up the party, as they served us kid-sized pizzas and we played games. Rounds of sugary “orange drink” were poured and Jack added to them when the staff wasn’t looking and finally, we all sang the loudest, most obnoxious Happy Birthday to her when the cake arrived. Tears spilled from her eyes as she tried to thank us for this party. Soon after, we all decided it was time to get the girls home before anyone was too tipsy, and keep the party going at my house.

The next day, over a plate of delivered sushi, our favourite hangover cure, Ashleigh broke down. She told me it wasn’t just the best birthday she’d ever had, it was also the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her. Who knew that getting drunk at Chuck-E-Cheese could be that?


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