Are You An Atheist?

Well, here it is, kids. The long-awaited definitive guide to determining whether or not you’re an atheist. After you’re done with this, you’ll know if you need to start collecting baby recipes and get fitted for a blood-red robe to wear to our quarterly sacrifices. You’re going to know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, whether or not you’re ready to shed any morality you’ve been lugging around. Before the last word on this page, you’ll know if you can ever expect to feel joy, awe, or wonder again. This is the last tool you’ll need to find out once and for all, if you are technically one of us.

Before we jump in and find out if you’re an atheist or not, I want you to take some time to think about what you’re about to do. If you do indeed discover that you’re one of us, ask yourself a few questions and find out if you’re prepared for the many ways your world will change:

• You will lose the ability to feel anything except anger and misery.

• You will have to accept the Dark Lord into your heart.

• You’ll need to acquire a taste for baby flesh.

• With your sudden lack of morality, you will become a depraved lunatic.

• You will need an immense amount of faith to believe that which has been considered scientific consensus for decades.

• You will lose your Sunday morning to the exhausting effort required to avoid church.

If you’re okay with all of these inevitabilities and ready to jump into the nefarious rot that is atheism, let’s get started.

Am I An Atheist Quiz

Now, we’re going to take a little quiz. Your answers to these questions will determine whether or not you are, in fact, a hellbound infidel or not. Be honest as you answer them, and take the time to really mull them over in your wetware. Write your answers down so you can calculate your score at the end of the quiz and determine if you, too, are a miserable atheist like me.

1. Do you want to do sinful things without the fear of divine retribution?

2. Do you crave the succulent flavour of slow-smoked baby meat?

3. Do you find you constantly want to shake your fist at the sky?

4. Do you want to go on a killing spree, but those pesky rules from that 2000-year-old book are always getting in the way?

5. Have you found yourself repeatedly looking for excuses to sleep in on Sunday morning?

6. Did you meet other atheists and find yourself suddenly wishing you could be as cool as them?

7. Have you discovered a longing for the thrill of sacrificial ceremonies to the Dark Lord?

8. Are you angry with your church for any reason and want to find a way to hit them where it hurts?

If you said “yes” to three or more of these questions, I’m afraid you might be an atheist. But that’s okay. It’s easy to get started once you have your robe and your very own Satanic chalice. All you have to do is follow these simple guidelines:

1. Be mad. This is self-explanatory. Have you ever seen an atheist smile? No.

2. Remember your twice-daily blasphemy - how can God possibly know just how angry you are at him if you don’t remind him? Wearing atheist t-shirts can help.

3. Get murderin'. Don’t wait. Why else would we break the bonds of religious morality?

4. Get yourself a smoker for that succulent baby flesh.

5. Build an altar to Richard Dawkins made of the skulls of Darwin’s finches, meteorites, and, obviously, paper mache using the pages of the Bible. Be careful; it’ll be flammable.

Now, all you have to do is find your coven and sacrifice an innocent life every quarter.

WELCOME, NEW ATHEIST, TO THE DARKNESS.

What all atheists look like.

Of course, none of this is true, and if you found yourself believing any of it, you’re probably better off in church. Determining if you’re an atheist is far less complicated than any of that. There are no beliefs, no rituals, and no rules. There are no quizzes you can take to find out if you’re an unbeliever. In fact, finding out if you’re an atheist really just comes down to your answer to just one question:

Do you believe in god?

If you answer “yes,” you are not an atheist. You can breathe a sigh of relief and ride your moral high horse all the way back to church. You dodged the bullet, my friend.

But if you answered “no,” you are, in fact, a degenerate atheist bound for the flames of Hell.

Except we’re not really degenerates. And, of course, there is no Hell.

If you’re coming out of religion, this may seem too simple. Most religious frameworks include rules, traditions, and rituals. Leaders endlessly disagree on what it is that makes you a member of their specific flavour of belief and constantly re-examine and reinterpret their holy texts. When you’re religious, you have leaders. You’re part of a congregation. You have sacred texts, symbolism, and miracles.

Now, all of a sudden, all you need is your answer to just one question. For many religious people, it’s challenging to understand that, as atheists, we don’t have faith leaders. As atheists, we don’t all share similar beliefs. There are conservative atheists and progressive atheists. There are bigoted atheists and activist atheists. Some atheists believe in ghosts, and others see psychics regularly for life advice. There are atheists who believe in conspiracy theories and those who believe we are not alone in the universe. Every single atheist differs from every other atheist, and now, you, too, have added to our diversity.

Atheism is solely your position on the existence of a god. For rules, morality, traditions, and inspiration, you now have to look elsewhere. Atheism will not provide you with these things like religion did. But that's okay because now, you're free to base these things on reality. You're free to question them, change them, explore them, and grow. You're an atheist now, and that means you're not chained to any one way of looking at things.

I want to know, are you an atheist? Tell me in the comments!

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