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  • Writer's pictureCourtney Heard

A Prayer To God

Sup, God? It’s me, Godless Mom.

I am not a believer in you at all, based solely on the lack of evidence to support your existence. I assume, because you are said to be a loving, merciful and benevolent God, that you have no problem, whatsoever, understanding that position.

With that said, I do have some questions for you that I’d like answered, beyond the usual “mysterious ways” explanation, because frankly, it’s not winning you any more supporters and with atheism rising steadily, I would also assume you’d want to provide answers that could actually lead to belief.

1. Where were you for the billions of years that preceded your little chat with Moses? If it’s so important for humans to believe in you, why did you wait so long to introduce yourself?

2. Are you a Patriots fan? I mean, it just seems like you answer the prayers of Bostonians far more often than those of say, THE DAWG POUND. What the hell do you have against Cleveland?

3. What is your criteria for choosing the winner of Survivor? Because it never seems to be the one who prays the most.

4. What’s up with all the issues with sex? Did you have a bad experience? Or are you just obsessed with what we do with our ugly bits? Either way, really, it’s probably not a good idea to project your issues with sex on all of your creation. I mean, I think enough time has passed since you laid down the law to show that we will never truly follow your sexual requirements. Especially when it comes to your Catholic men – they seem to take quite a bit of exception to you telling them what is okay and what is not behind closed doors. Here’s the thing, big guy, you made sex fucking amazing. You did that. That’s like leaving a bucket of chicken at a fat camp unsupervised with a note that says “No, touchy touchy, tubbo!”. Really. You’re probably just going to have to concede on this one, and focus your efforts on things that are perhaps not so trivial. It kinda makes you look like a sex-obsessed pervert.

5. Sup with talking to George Dubya? I mean, if you wanted to speak to one of us, could you not have chosen someone a little less… dim? It wouldn’t have been hard to choose someone more intelligent than Idiot McRanchyPants. You and me can at least agree on that, right?

6. Why do you keep giving us brilliant thinkers who continue to chip away at your credibility? Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Neil DeGrasse Tyson. These men are creating a much stronger case for why not to believe, than any of your biblical scholars are for the opposite. I mean, if you think it’s a fair fight between Ken Ham and Ray Comfort vs. the scientific elite, then I can only assume you’re not all-knowing.

Scumbag God

Scumbag God

7. Why did you need Noah to save all the animals during the great flood? Did you not have the power to do so, yourself? It seems like an awful huge thing to rest on the shoulders of one man. You could have taken that opportunity to show your own merciful nature, no?

8. I guess I just have trouble with this whole benevolence and omnipotence of yours. I mean, if you’re benevolent and omnipotent, then why all the suffering? Did your son not die for our sins, making them a debt to which we no longer owe anything? So, why the suffering? The only answers I’ve been able to come up with is that either you don’t exist, or you’re not omnipotent, which would make worshipping you rather silly.

9. How can you be merciful and still send people to Hell for eternity? I mean, not only are you showing a complete lack of mercy for the people experiencing eternal torture, but you’re also making the afterlife miserable for their loved ones who might be in Heaven. How can they experience the bliss of eternal paradise if they know their sons or daughters or husband or wife or grandfather, etc are burning and suffering for the rest of time? How is that merciful?

10. If your message is so important for us to hear and believe, then why, again, did it take you millions of years to deliver it? And why did you only deliver it to a handful of uneducated people? Being all-knowing, I am sure you’re aware of the fact that the message has been copied anonymously thousands of times and translated anonymously even more, to the point that many parts of your message are disputed even amongst your believers and originals can be found nowhere. So, why just those few people in the desert thousands of years ago? If your message is so important, why not show your face and help us out here? Seems like a pretty simple solution your enormous and expanding problem of disbelief. I can’t imagine what’s stopping you, sky buddy.

11. Are you planning on doing anything with the rest of the 93 billion lightyears out there that we’re aware of? Is there life on other planets, and have you made yourself known to them?

12. What’s the deal with the Jehovah’s Witnesses? Seriously. All they do is give you a bad name. Can’t you just smite them already, so I can freely wear my pyjamas as long as I want throughout the day without being judged?

13. Have you reserved an extra special spot in Hell for J.J. Abrams? That Lost ending is certainly deserving of eternal suffering. There might even be a little irony in the act.

In any case, God, if you could just answer me these few things with some sort of clarity, I’d be forever grateful… but I’d still think you’re spiteful, jealous son of a bitch.


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