Bitch has some serious self-loathing issues. Let’s fix this, shall we?
Before I start, men, I want you to know you’re wonderful and I love you and this is purely satire.
So, manly men of atheism, how, exactly, do you become the glory of your wife?
1. Don’t ask me what my goals for the week are. Asking me anything even remotely close to that’s gonna make a bitch cock her head to the side and say, “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis?” and crack a joke about singing Kumbaya when we’re done discussing… weekly… goals.
2. Further to point #1, don’t fucking offer to help me with my weekly goals ’cause my weekly goals are probably, no more no less: try not to let the kid drink too much before bed so my laundry doesn’t triple overnight and I have to spend the morning elbow deep in more urine than a little person’s body should be able to contain. Don’t offer to help with that, because that should be your goal, too. And precious, if it ain’t your goal, it’s sure as hell gonna be, cause I’m saving the next pee pee party for you.
3. Instead of asking me to do things differently, ask yourself, should I do anything differently? Yeah, how about we stop collecting tools and toys that literally fill the garage from top to bottom, and sit there, collecting dust, untouched.
“I must have a bandsaw!”
“Honey? Can we make my Dad a bandsaw box for Christmas?”
Great. good thing we have a bandsaw.
How many guitars do we really need, considering you play, alone, in the basement about once per week? Are 3 sets of drums necessary? Pretty sure buying your 45th multi bit screwdriver is indicative of a mental health issue. Oh, we need a riding lawn mower, do we? For our 50 yard backyard in the desert? No, honey, we are not going to decorate our living room with remnants of your drunken escapades from your twenties. You can take your empty 18L Jack Daniels bottle to your mancave.
4. Expect to pitch in with the cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and cooking, or it ain’t gettin’ done.
5. Save some of your energy every day for your kids and me, and I’ll do the same. If you assume you’re the only one who gets tired, you’re gonna have a bad time.
Sing it, brother!
6. Put your children first. Sorry, ‘stache rash, but the kids will always come first. Expecting that you ought to, will teach you how nice our front door looks from the outside.
7. Don’t expect me to drop everything for something you forgot to tell me about. Big boys who wear big boy pants, should be able to communicate their big boy events in advance.
8. Feel free to rant to your friends about me, ’cause god knows, no holy, mine know everything you do that gets under my skin.
9. Looking good comes from within. Don’t expect me to do it for you.
10. If any part of you thinks that your corporate ladder job is more important than raising our children or fighting for human rights, I invite you to become intimately familiar with the bottom of my foot.
11. Don’t expect me to be your personal assistant, or you’re going to find whoopie cushions sewn into the dress pants you wear to important meetings.
12. Don’t oppose the things I am involved in, ’cause Mama’s gonna do them with or without your blessing.
13. Be warm and friendly to my family and friends unless they insult or harm you, me, our kids or our dog. Then, by all means, lay the smack down. I’ll help.
14. Talk to me the way you feel you need to, based on reason. If you’re pissed at me, let me know. Hiding shit and pretending everything is peachy isn’t going to get us anywhere.
15. If the makeup bag and pretty bras aren’t making an appearance today… they aren’t making an appearance today. End. Of. Story.
16. Upon your first serious suggestion that I have sinned and should find Jesus, it’s over. If you wanna be a christicle, keep that crazy in the closet or pack your bags.
17. If you use the term “spiritual gifts” to refer to anything but your latest pride-inducing backdoor emission, you’re seeing a shrink.
18. Obedience is puppy training terminology and if at any point you slip the term into talk about me and my own behaviour, there will be divorce papers shoved up your ass so fast you’ll be farting confetti for weeks.
You wanna know what I love about modern men? Most of the ones I know, value a woman who speaks her mind, has her own shit going on and who is intelligent and entirely her own person. The woman who wrote the article I am responding to, truly saddens me because I doubt that even her god-fearing husband is attracted to a glorified personal slave. What, honestly, is attractive about someone simply forcing a smile and saying “yes” all the time, to everything, even if you know it’s not something they would want to say yes to?
I had a friend once, a guy, who had a crush on me for the entire time we were friends. He honestly thought, that by being agreeable and changing his opinions, passions and interests to reflect mine would make me fall for him. To the contrary, it repelled me. There are few types of people I end up loathing more than those who are simply human tofu, who take on the flavor of those around them. There is nothing attractive about not knowing who you are, not being your own person and not standing your ground.
I don’t even think the men in the past found submissive women attractive. Personally, I believe men are attracted to confident, ambitious women who have their own passions, and I think that healthy men have always been attracted to that type of woman, and only felt societal pressure to marry a submissive idiot.
What do you think? What are the most important characteristics you look for in a partner?